1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:06,093 --> 00:00:09,487 - WE ARE DOWNSTAIRS IN THE DANTE'S GREEN ROOM 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:09,531 --> 00:00:12,795 IN PORTLAND, OREGON, SHORTLY BEFORE WE START TAPING 5 00:00:12,838 --> 00:00:15,058 THE NEW SPECIAL, BEER HALL PUTSCH. 6 00:00:15,102 --> 00:00:16,103 - WHAT'S A PUTSCH? 7 00:00:16,146 --> 00:00:17,104 - BEER HALL PUTSCH. 8 00:00:17,147 --> 00:00:18,627 - WHAT'S THAT? 9 00:00:18,670 --> 00:00:20,542 - IT WAS HITLER'S EARLY FAILED ATTEMPT 10 00:00:20,585 --> 00:00:23,197 AT OVERTHROWING THE GERMAN GOVERNMENT IN '24, 11 00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:26,156 WHERE HE'D WORK EVERYONE UP INTO A LATHER IN THE BEER HALL 12 00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:28,767 WITH 1,500 PEOPLE SCREAMING ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT. 13 00:00:28,811 --> 00:00:31,466 HE GOT THEM ALL TO RACE OUT INTO THE STREETS AND, 14 00:00:31,509 --> 00:00:33,033 "WE'RE GOING TO TAKE THIS SHIT OVER." 15 00:00:33,076 --> 00:00:34,512 AND THEN A FEW PEOPLE GOT KILLED, 16 00:00:34,556 --> 00:00:35,774 SO HE RAN LIKE A PUSSY. 17 00:00:35,818 --> 00:00:38,081 BECAUSE THIS IS, LIKE, GROUND ZERO 18 00:00:38,125 --> 00:00:40,518 OF WHEN WE BRANCHED OUT TO DO OUR OWN THING, 19 00:00:40,562 --> 00:00:42,172 AND IT'S REALLY COOL-LOOKING. 20 00:00:42,216 --> 00:00:44,609 WE CAN'T REALLY PLAY HERE BECAUSE WE HAVE 21 00:00:44,653 --> 00:00:46,002 TOO BIG OF A DRAW. 22 00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:47,612 SO IT'S NICE TO BE ABLE TO FILM HERE. 23 00:00:47,656 --> 00:00:49,353 IT'S DARK. IT'S CREEPY. 24 00:00:49,397 --> 00:00:51,094 IT HAS A HISTORY WITH US. 25 00:00:51,138 --> 00:00:52,835 IT'S JUST-- IT HAS A GOOD FEEL. 26 00:00:52,878 --> 00:00:54,445 AND I FUCKING HATE DOING THEATERS. 27 00:00:54,489 --> 00:00:57,492 I WISH ALL COMEDY SPECIALS WERE FILMED IN FUCKING 28 00:00:57,535 --> 00:01:00,016 75-SEATERS, LIKE OLD LENNY BRUCE. 29 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,497 SMOKY ROOM, LOW CEILING. 30 00:01:02,540 --> 00:01:05,326 THIS ONE'S NOT REAL LOW CEILING, BUT IT'S GOT THE FEEL. 31 00:01:05,369 --> 00:01:06,936 LET'S GO DRINK. 32 00:01:06,979 --> 00:01:08,198 [applause] 33 00:01:08,242 --> 00:01:09,852 SOME PEOPLE SAY, "YEAH. 34 00:01:09,895 --> 00:01:12,463 I DON'T HAVE TO DRINK TO HAVE A GOOD TIME." 35 00:01:12,507 --> 00:01:14,030 YOU GO, "OKAY." 36 00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:18,774 BUT THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME 37 00:01:18,817 --> 00:01:20,993 TO HAVE A GOOD TIME. 38 00:01:21,037 --> 00:01:24,171 HOW DO YOU PULL THAT OFF? 39 00:01:24,214 --> 00:01:27,957 JUST ASSUME THE UNIVERSE KNOWS IT'S YOUR FRIDAY 40 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:32,527 SO SOME ORGANIC GOOD TIME WILL SWELL OUT OF THE WOODWORK 41 00:01:32,570 --> 00:01:35,747 AND APPEAR AT A CERTAIN TIME. 42 00:01:35,791 --> 00:01:40,012 YOU READ THE WEEKLY AND FIND THE EDITOR'S BEST BET 43 00:01:40,056 --> 00:01:43,842 AND YOU EMAIL ALL YOUR DUMB FRIENDS IN THEIR CUBICLES, 44 00:01:43,886 --> 00:01:45,409 "LET'S MEET UP. 45 00:01:45,453 --> 00:01:47,933 "WE FOUND A LOCAL EATERY THAT'S WELL REVIEWED. 46 00:01:47,977 --> 00:01:50,806 "IT HAS VEGAN OPTIONS FOR SHEILA. 47 00:01:50,849 --> 00:01:53,765 WE'LL MEET THERE AT 7:40." 48 00:01:53,809 --> 00:01:56,159 "WHERE IS SHEILA? SHE'S LATE. 49 00:01:56,203 --> 00:01:59,249 "OUR SOBER GOOD TIME STARTS IN 40 MINUTES. 50 00:01:59,293 --> 00:02:01,904 "CALL HER ON HER CELL PHONE. 51 00:02:01,947 --> 00:02:03,862 MAYBE WE CAN ORDER FOR HER 52 00:02:03,906 --> 00:02:05,168 "BECAUSE WE DON'T WANT TO BE LATE 53 00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:07,214 FOR OUR SOBER GOOD TIME. IT STARTS IN..." 54 00:02:07,257 --> 00:02:10,304 MAYBE YOU CAME HERE TONIGHT TO HAVE A GOOD TIME 55 00:02:10,347 --> 00:02:12,001 WITHOUT DRINKING. 56 00:02:12,044 --> 00:02:16,266 THAT MEANS YOU'RE SOLELY RELIANT ON ME BEING FUNNY, 57 00:02:16,310 --> 00:02:19,704 WHICH IS A 50/50 SHOT AT BEST 58 00:02:19,748 --> 00:02:22,403 IN THESE WANING YEARS OF MY CAREER. 59 00:02:22,446 --> 00:02:25,493 IF I SUCK, YOU'RE FUCKED. 60 00:02:25,536 --> 00:02:29,192 ALL THAT SOBER GOOD-TIME PLANNING AND THE MAPQUESTING 61 00:02:29,236 --> 00:02:30,933 AND THE FINDING THE PARKING. 62 00:02:30,976 --> 00:02:32,804 AND THEN I JUST-- I WAS OFF. 63 00:02:32,848 --> 00:02:34,806 I WAS TOO FUCKED UP THAT NIGHT, AND I-- 64 00:02:34,850 --> 00:02:36,721 NOW THE BLAME'S ON YOU. 65 00:02:36,765 --> 00:02:38,680 I DON'T TAKE THOSE CHANCES. 66 00:02:38,723 --> 00:02:42,336 I DRINK TO HAVE A GOOD TIME. IT'S A FAILSAFE. 67 00:02:42,379 --> 00:02:47,123 I TAKE WHATEVER MUNDANE SHIT I WAS DOING ANYWAY, 68 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:51,432 AND I JUST START POURING BOOZE ON TOP OF IT. 69 00:02:51,475 --> 00:02:54,522 AND WITHIN A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME, IT'S FANTASTIC. 70 00:02:54,565 --> 00:02:59,048 I'M TALKING TO SOME SHINGLE SALESMAN IN AN AIRPORT BAR, 71 00:02:59,091 --> 00:03:01,311 AND HE'S SHOWING ME PICTURES OF HIS DOGS 72 00:03:01,355 --> 00:03:03,531 ON HIS CELL PHONE CAMERA. 73 00:03:03,574 --> 00:03:06,403 "AND THAT'S MISS PATSY AND THIS IS PATRIOT. 74 00:03:06,447 --> 00:03:09,711 I CALL HIM PATRIOT BECAUSE I GOT HIM AT 9/11 AND..." 75 00:03:09,754 --> 00:03:13,280 WITHIN FIVE DRINKS, THAT GUY'S HILARIOUS TO ME. 76 00:03:13,323 --> 00:03:16,196 I'M HUGGING THAT GUY ON THE WAY TO HIS GATE. 77 00:03:16,239 --> 00:03:18,067 I'M SWAPPING PHONE NUMBERS. 78 00:03:18,110 --> 00:03:19,808 I HAVE A PROBLEM? 79 00:03:19,851 --> 00:03:23,072 NO, LADY. I HAVE A SOLUTION. 80 00:03:23,115 --> 00:03:25,205 YOU HAVE A PROBLEM... 81 00:03:25,248 --> 00:03:26,206 [cheers and applause] 82 00:03:26,249 --> 00:03:30,122 WITH YOUR SOBER GOOD TIME. 83 00:03:30,166 --> 00:03:32,255 I'LL FEEL LIKE SHIT IN THE MORNING, 84 00:03:32,299 --> 00:03:35,867 BUT I'LL KNOW EXACTLY WHY-- BECAUSE I GOT HAMMERED. 85 00:03:35,911 --> 00:03:38,609 YOU WAKE UP, YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT, YOU WORRY. 86 00:03:38,653 --> 00:03:41,090 "OH, DID I FORGET TO TAKE MY OMEGA-3S? 87 00:03:41,133 --> 00:03:42,700 "MY GLANDS ARE SWOLLEN. 88 00:03:42,744 --> 00:03:45,703 "DID I TOUCH A TOILET HANDLE WITHOUT SANITIZING? 89 00:03:45,747 --> 00:03:48,924 I'M NOT SURE EXACTLY." 90 00:03:48,967 --> 00:03:50,447 WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN DRUNK. 91 00:03:50,491 --> 00:03:53,189 AND YOU JUST--YOU WAKE UP AND GO, "OH, FUCK. 92 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:57,715 IT'LL GO AWAY BY THE AFTERNOON." 93 00:03:57,759 --> 00:04:00,327 I DID STOP DRINKING JAGERMEISTER 94 00:04:00,370 --> 00:04:05,070 AS THOUGH IT WERE SOME, LIKE, MIRACULOUS LIFE CHOICE. 95 00:04:05,114 --> 00:04:08,813 I BRAGGED TO PEOPLE WHEN I STOPPED DRINKING JAGERMEISTER, 96 00:04:08,857 --> 00:04:13,078 LIKE I'M DOING BIKRAM YOGA NOW AND EATING TOFU. 97 00:04:13,122 --> 00:04:14,819 I'M STILL HAMMERED ALL THE TIME, 98 00:04:14,863 --> 00:04:17,692 BUT IT'S NOT JAGER, WHICH IS JUST A SHITTY DRINK. 99 00:04:17,735 --> 00:04:20,651 AT SOME POINT, I SAW A CLIP OF MYSELF ON STAGE 100 00:04:20,695 --> 00:04:22,610 YELLING AT THE BAR, DRUNK, 101 00:04:22,653 --> 00:04:25,134 "HEY, CAN I GET A SHOT OF JAGERMEISTER?" 102 00:04:25,177 --> 00:04:26,440 BUT I COULD SEE ME. 103 00:04:26,483 --> 00:04:28,137 LIKE, IN MY HEAD, I'M YOUNG. 104 00:04:28,180 --> 00:04:31,009 BUT THEN I SAW I'M JUST AN OLD FUCKING DUDE. 105 00:04:31,053 --> 00:04:34,143 AND JUST THE WORD JAGERMEISTER COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH 106 00:04:34,186 --> 00:04:37,886 IS SOME DESPERATE CRY TO BE YOUNG AGAIN. 107 00:04:37,929 --> 00:04:40,802 AND IT'S LIKE THE OLD GUY'S A SILVER-HAIRED FOX, 108 00:04:40,845 --> 00:04:42,891 BUT HE STILL HAS TWO HOOP EARRINGS. 109 00:04:42,934 --> 00:04:44,240 AND HE'S LIKE, "HEY, LADIES." 110 00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:46,155 AH, DON'T BE THAT FUCKING DUDE. 111 00:04:46,198 --> 00:04:48,200 JUST DRINK SOMETHING CLEAR. 112 00:04:48,244 --> 00:04:50,202 'CAUSE... 113 00:04:50,246 --> 00:04:53,815 JAKE LAMOTTA, THE FIGHTER, IS A NEIGHBOR OF OURS 114 00:04:53,858 --> 00:04:55,295 IN BISBEE, ARIZONA. 115 00:04:55,338 --> 00:04:56,905 HE LIVES TWO BLOCKS DOWN. 116 00:04:56,948 --> 00:04:59,124 IF YOU DON'T KNOW JAKE LAMOTTA, 117 00:04:59,168 --> 00:05:01,431 HE WAS A FIGHTER, 118 00:05:01,475 --> 00:05:02,780 A LEGENDARY FIGHTER. 119 00:05:02,824 --> 00:05:03,868 THE MOVIE RAGING BULL. 120 00:05:03,912 --> 00:05:05,609 YES. NO? YEAH? 121 00:05:05,653 --> 00:05:07,176 ROBERT DENIRO. 122 00:05:07,219 --> 00:05:08,308 [scattered cheers] 123 00:05:08,351 --> 00:05:10,745 FOR YOU 22-YEAR-OLDS, 124 00:05:10,788 --> 00:05:13,356 LET ME EXPLAIN. 125 00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:17,099 ROBERT DENIRO USED TO BE AN ACTOR 126 00:05:17,142 --> 00:05:19,623 IN THE MOVING PICTURES. 127 00:05:19,667 --> 00:05:21,190 [cheers and applause] YEAH. 128 00:05:21,233 --> 00:05:24,019 ONE OF HIS GREATEST ROLES WAS THAT 129 00:05:24,062 --> 00:05:26,326 PLAYING JAKE LAMOTTA IN RAGING BULL. 130 00:05:26,369 --> 00:05:28,023 IT WAS A REAL GUY THAT'S OUR NEIGHBOR. 131 00:05:28,066 --> 00:05:29,981 AND WE NEVER MET HIM TILL, LAST YEAR, 132 00:05:30,025 --> 00:05:33,463 A MUTUAL FRIEND BROUGHT HIM TO THE HOUSE TO WATCH FOOTBALL. 133 00:05:33,507 --> 00:05:35,378 AND WE'RE WICKED EXCITED. 134 00:05:35,422 --> 00:05:37,815 LIKE, FUCKING JAKE LAMOTTA 'S COMING HERE. 135 00:05:37,859 --> 00:05:39,295 AND THEY BROUGHT HIM OVER. 136 00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,732 HE'S LIKE 91. 137 00:05:41,776 --> 00:05:45,214 THERE'S NO JAKE LAMOTTA LEFT OF THE JAKE LAMOTTA. 138 00:05:45,257 --> 00:05:47,347 SO WE'RE ALL, LIKE, HAPPY. 139 00:05:47,390 --> 00:05:51,133 AND THEY BRING HIM IN, AND WE'RE LIKE, "OHH." 140 00:05:51,176 --> 00:05:52,917 LIKE, FOR A BOXER, 141 00:05:52,961 --> 00:05:56,617 MY AGE THEY'RE FUCKED UP, AND HE'S TWICE THAT. 142 00:05:56,660 --> 00:05:59,228 SO THEY BRING HIM IN. HE'S FUCKING UP-- 143 00:05:59,271 --> 00:06:02,536 THEY HAVE HIM BY ONE ELBOW, 91 YEARS OLD. 144 00:06:02,579 --> 00:06:05,277 [grunting] 145 00:06:05,321 --> 00:06:09,020 AND THEY PLOP IT ON THE COUCH LIKE AN EGGPLANT. 146 00:06:09,064 --> 00:06:11,196 AND WE'RE LIKE, "AH, JAKE LAMOTTA 'S HERE." 147 00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:13,068 [laughs nervously] 148 00:06:13,111 --> 00:06:17,464 AND HE'S GOT A TROPHY WIFE WHO'S 30 YEARS HIS JUNIOR, 149 00:06:17,507 --> 00:06:20,162 WHICH MEANS SHE'S STILL IN HER 60S, SO... 150 00:06:20,205 --> 00:06:23,252 THE TROPHY IS A BIT TARNISHED AT THIS POINT. 151 00:06:23,295 --> 00:06:26,037 IT'S NO STANLEY CUP ANYMORE. 152 00:06:26,081 --> 00:06:28,953 IT'S MORE OF A BOWLING TROPHY. 153 00:06:28,997 --> 00:06:30,564 AND SHE'S A VERY SWEET WOMAN. 154 00:06:30,607 --> 00:06:33,131 SHE HAS ALL THE CHARACTERISTICS OF TROPHY WIFE. 155 00:06:33,175 --> 00:06:35,133 SHE HAS BLEACHED BLONDE HAIR, 156 00:06:35,177 --> 00:06:37,832 AND THE 60-YEAR-OLD TIT JOB IS FORCED UP 157 00:06:37,875 --> 00:06:40,443 SO THE GOOD PARTS ARE SHOWING THROUGH THE TOP. 158 00:06:40,487 --> 00:06:42,576 AND YOU GO--OKAY. AND SHE'S VERY SWEET. 159 00:06:42,619 --> 00:06:44,752 AND SHE'S TRYING TO DISTRACT FROM... 160 00:06:44,795 --> 00:06:47,058 JAKE LAMOTTA DOESN'T KNOW WHERE HE IS. 161 00:06:47,102 --> 00:06:49,365 HE DOESN'T KNOW HE'S WATCHING FOOTBALL. 162 00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,149 HE'S CONFUSED ON THE COUCH. 163 00:06:51,193 --> 00:06:53,325 "EHHH." 164 00:06:53,369 --> 00:06:56,546 THE ONLY TIME HE SHOWED ANY COGNITIVE RECOGNITION 165 00:06:56,590 --> 00:06:58,069 OF HIS SURROUNDINGS-- 166 00:06:58,113 --> 00:06:59,984 I SAW HIM SCRAMBLING WITH HIS CIGARETTES 167 00:07:00,028 --> 00:07:02,465 AND FUMBLING AND LOOKING TO THE DOOR LIKE, 168 00:07:02,509 --> 00:07:04,685 "WHO WILL WALK ME OUT SO I CAN SMOKE?" 169 00:07:04,728 --> 00:07:08,863 AND I SAID, "IT'S OKAY, JAKE. YOU CAN SMOKE IN THE HOUSE." 170 00:07:08,906 --> 00:07:13,911 AND HE WENT, "EH? OHH. EHHH." 171 00:07:13,955 --> 00:07:15,957 THAT'S HOW FUCKING DEEP CIGARETTES GET YOU. 172 00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,873 NOTHING ELSE. HE SAID, "EHH. EHH." 173 00:07:18,916 --> 00:07:21,223 THEN STRAIGHT BACK TO CONFUSION. 174 00:07:21,266 --> 00:07:23,660 "EHH? EHH." 175 00:07:23,704 --> 00:07:25,793 SO HIS WIFE IS VERY SWEET. 176 00:07:25,836 --> 00:07:27,577 AND SHE'S TALKING TO ME AND BINGO. 177 00:07:27,621 --> 00:07:29,318 "I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'VE LIVED HERE SO LONG, 178 00:07:29,361 --> 00:07:31,146 AND WE'VE NEVER MET. AND IT'S SO NICE." 179 00:07:31,189 --> 00:07:34,584 AND AT SOME POINT, SHE SAYS, "YOU KNOW, JAKE AND I 180 00:07:34,628 --> 00:07:36,630 "ARE DOING A PLAY ON SATURDAY NIGHT 181 00:07:36,673 --> 00:07:39,328 "AT THE CENTRAL SCHOOL IN OLD BISBEE. 182 00:07:39,371 --> 00:07:41,156 "WE'D LOVE IT IF YOU'D COME. 183 00:07:41,199 --> 00:07:44,420 I WROTE IT MYSELF," SHE SAYS. 184 00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:47,771 OH, REALLY? ALL BY YOUR LITTLE LONELY? 185 00:07:47,815 --> 00:07:50,774 THAT FUCKING HALF-CADAVER ON MY COUCH 186 00:07:50,818 --> 00:07:53,995 DIDN'T CHIME IN WITH SOME OF HIS GREAT IDEAS 187 00:07:54,038 --> 00:07:56,867 OF HOW THE SCRIPT SHOULD BE WRITTEN 188 00:07:56,911 --> 00:08:00,392 FOR THE ARC OF THE STORY? 189 00:08:00,436 --> 00:08:03,308 AND NORMALLY YOU WOULD HAVE TO STUN GUN ME, 190 00:08:03,352 --> 00:08:06,094 CATTLE PROD ME TO GET ME INTO A PLAY. 191 00:08:06,137 --> 00:08:10,446 I'M NOT INTERESTED--UNTIL I SPEND AN HOUR AND A HALF 192 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,840 WITH JAKE LAMOTTA AT MY HOUSE. 193 00:08:12,883 --> 00:08:15,799 THAT'S GONNA BE LIVE ON STAGE? 194 00:08:15,843 --> 00:08:19,411 I'M NOT MISSING THIS FOR THE WORLD. 195 00:08:19,455 --> 00:08:22,110 AND WE WENT, AND IT LIVED UP 196 00:08:22,153 --> 00:08:26,027 TO EVERY AWFUL EXPECTATION THAT WE HAD. 197 00:08:26,070 --> 00:08:28,464 IT WAS SO TRAGIC. 198 00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,205 SHE WROTE IT HERSELF. 199 00:08:30,248 --> 00:08:33,774 IT'S CALLED LADY AND THE CHAMP. 200 00:08:33,817 --> 00:08:35,558 [laughter and cheers] 201 00:08:35,602 --> 00:08:38,996 AND SHE WROTE IT, SO THANK GOD IT'S MOSTLY HER. 202 00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:40,911 AND SHE HAS AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR, 203 00:08:40,955 --> 00:08:43,435 SO SHE'LL TELL SOME STORIES AND ANECDOTES 204 00:08:43,479 --> 00:08:47,483 AND THEN SING SOME SHOW TUNE KIND OF THINGS. 205 00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:51,574 ♪ IN THE CORNER STANDS A BOXER AND A FIGHTER BY HIS ♪ 206 00:08:51,618 --> 00:08:53,271 AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, GOD." 207 00:08:53,315 --> 00:08:55,404 AND THEN THEY PLOP THE CHAMP OUT 208 00:08:55,447 --> 00:08:57,885 ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STAGE IN A CHAIR. 209 00:08:57,928 --> 00:08:59,190 AND THEY SIT HIM DOWN. 210 00:08:59,234 --> 00:09:00,975 HE STILL HAS NO IDEA WHERE HE IS. 211 00:09:01,018 --> 00:09:03,978 HE STILL THINKS HE'S WATCHING FOOTBALL AT MY HOUSE. 212 00:09:04,021 --> 00:09:06,589 "EHH. EHH." 213 00:09:06,633 --> 00:09:10,419 AND HIS ONLY JOB IS TO PEPPER THE SCRIPT 214 00:09:10,462 --> 00:09:13,770 WITH SOME ONE-LINERS AND SOME SHADOW BOXING. 215 00:09:13,814 --> 00:09:18,383 SO OCCASIONALLY, HE STANDS UP, "EHH. 216 00:09:18,427 --> 00:09:22,605 "I FOUGHT SUGAR RAY SO MANY TIMES, 217 00:09:22,649 --> 00:09:25,129 I GOT DIABETES." 218 00:09:28,872 --> 00:09:33,616 WHICH IS NOT A BAD LINE FOR A FUCKING 91-YEAR-OLD BOXER, 219 00:09:33,660 --> 00:09:37,098 EXCEPT THE CHAMP FORGETS HE ALREADY DID THE LINE. 220 00:09:37,141 --> 00:09:41,624 SO MOMENTS LATER, HE STANDS BACK UP, "I FOUGHT--" 221 00:09:41,668 --> 00:09:45,889 IN THE MIDDLE OF A SONG, "I FOUGHT SUGAR RAY." 222 00:09:45,933 --> 00:09:47,412 AND THEY HAVE TO COME OUT. 223 00:09:47,456 --> 00:09:49,632 THEY CAN'T STAGE WHISPER TO HIM 224 00:09:49,676 --> 00:09:51,373 BECAUSE HE'S DEAF AS A STUMP. 225 00:09:51,416 --> 00:09:54,245 SO THEY PHYSICALLY HAVE TO COME OUT 226 00:09:54,289 --> 00:09:58,380 AND PUSH HIM BACK DOWN IN HIS CHAIR AND YELL AT HIM, 227 00:09:58,423 --> 00:10:00,643 "NOT YET, CHAMP! 228 00:10:00,687 --> 00:10:03,733 "WAIT TILL THE END OF THE NUMBER, AND THEN YOU DO THE... 229 00:10:03,777 --> 00:10:05,430 OKAY? ALL RIGHT." 230 00:10:05,474 --> 00:10:08,825 AND WE'RE IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM FUCKING DYING. 231 00:10:08,869 --> 00:10:11,393 LIKE IT'S QUIET, WE'RE HAVING TO BITE OUR HANDS 232 00:10:11,436 --> 00:10:14,526 LIKE CHILDREN IN CHURCH TRYING NOT TO GIGGLE. 233 00:10:14,570 --> 00:10:21,838 AND...IT WAS LIKE SEEING IF MR. SCHIAVO 234 00:10:21,882 --> 00:10:26,669 BROUGHT TERRI SCHIAVO ON THE ROAD 235 00:10:26,713 --> 00:10:29,933 AS A SONG AND DANCE ACT. 236 00:10:29,977 --> 00:10:32,675 ♪ HELLO, MY HONEY, HELLO, MY BABY ♪ 237 00:10:32,719 --> 00:10:34,634 ♪ HELLO, MY RAGTIME 238 00:10:34,677 --> 00:10:37,245 "UHH. 239 00:10:37,288 --> 00:10:39,334 UHH. 240 00:10:39,377 --> 00:10:41,510 UHH..." 241 00:10:41,553 --> 00:10:43,381 "THANK YOU! TERRI AND I WILL BE 242 00:10:43,425 --> 00:10:45,775 "SELLING MERCHANDISE AFTER THE SHOW. 243 00:10:45,819 --> 00:10:49,605 "TERRI WILL LICK YOUR T-SHIRTS FOR YOU TO PERSONALIZE THEM 244 00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,868 "AS A LITTLE SOUVENIR OF THE GREAT TIME 245 00:10:51,912 --> 00:10:55,263 WE HAD TONIGHT HERE." 246 00:10:55,306 --> 00:10:59,659 AND AS MUCH AS I'M ENJOYING IT FOR ALL THE WORST REASONS, 247 00:10:59,702 --> 00:11:02,400 THERE'S PART OF MY HEAD GOING, "ALL RIGHT. 248 00:11:02,444 --> 00:11:05,708 HOW LONG BEFORE THAT'S YOU?" 249 00:11:05,752 --> 00:11:10,452 HOW MANY--I'VE BEEN DOING THIS SHIT 23 YEARS. 250 00:11:10,495 --> 00:11:11,888 HOW LONG? 251 00:11:11,932 --> 00:11:13,890 I'VE TAKEN A LOT OF SHOTS TO THE HEAD, 252 00:11:13,934 --> 00:11:15,718 JUST LIKE THE CHAMP. 253 00:11:15,762 --> 00:11:19,809 HOW LONG BEFORE THAT FINAL SYNAPSE IN MY BRAIN BURNS OUT 254 00:11:19,853 --> 00:11:22,072 THAT WOULD HAVE TOLD ME, "DON'T DO THIS ANYMORE. 255 00:11:22,116 --> 00:11:25,859 YOU'RE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF THOROUGHLY." 256 00:11:25,902 --> 00:11:27,861 BUT I HAVE MY TROPHY WIFE, BINGO. 257 00:11:27,904 --> 00:11:29,558 SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GET A REAL JOB, 258 00:11:29,601 --> 00:11:32,648 SO SHE'S JUST SHOVING ME OUT ON THE STAGE. 259 00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:33,954 "GO GET 'EM, CHAMP." 260 00:11:33,997 --> 00:11:37,784 "EHH. EHH. 261 00:11:37,827 --> 00:11:40,090 "EHH. 262 00:11:40,134 --> 00:11:42,789 "JAGERMEISTER! 263 00:11:42,832 --> 00:11:45,182 EHH? EHH." 264 00:11:48,969 --> 00:11:51,319 MAYBE IT ALREADY HAPPENED. I DON'T KNOW. 265 00:11:51,362 --> 00:11:53,582 MAYBE I'M--MAYBE THIS IS BEING FILMED TO-- 266 00:11:53,625 --> 00:11:57,847 "DON'T DO THIS ANYMORE." 267 00:11:57,891 --> 00:11:59,719 I LIVE EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE 268 00:11:59,762 --> 00:12:01,982 LIKE IT'S MY LAST DAY ON EARTH, KIDS. 269 00:12:02,025 --> 00:12:03,853 AND I REALLY-- DON'T CLAP. 270 00:12:03,897 --> 00:12:05,550 YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I LIVE. 271 00:12:07,988 --> 00:12:12,079 THAT MAKES IT EVEN MORE SAD AND PATHETIC 272 00:12:12,122 --> 00:12:16,257 THAT I WOULD WILLINGLY CHOOSE TO SPEND ANY GIVEN LAST DAY 273 00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:19,564 ON EARTH IMMOBILIZED ON A COUCH, 274 00:12:19,608 --> 00:12:23,394 SWEATING, WATCHING A MARATHON OF STORAGE WARS, 275 00:12:23,438 --> 00:12:25,788 COMPLETELY CONTENT WITH THAT. 276 00:12:25,832 --> 00:12:27,659 FRIENDS GOING, "COME ON. LET'S DO SOMETHING, MAN. 277 00:12:27,703 --> 00:12:29,009 "LET'S GO OUT. I CAME ALL THE WAY DOWN. 278 00:12:29,052 --> 00:12:30,619 LET'S GO LIVE LIFE." 279 00:12:30,662 --> 00:12:34,318 YOU'RE LIKE, "FUCK YOU. I AIN'T GETTING UP. 280 00:12:34,362 --> 00:12:37,147 "I'VE HAD TO PISS FOR THE LAST FOUR EPISODES. 281 00:12:37,191 --> 00:12:40,672 "MY PROSTATE IS WELDED SHUT LIKE A LUG NUT. 282 00:12:40,716 --> 00:12:44,459 "AND I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. I'M NOT GETTING UP. 283 00:12:44,502 --> 00:12:48,768 "I GOT TO FIND OUT WHAT'S IN THAT SAFE. 284 00:12:48,811 --> 00:12:52,684 "VERY IMPORTANT TO FIND OUT AFTER THE COMMERCIAL BREAK 285 00:12:52,728 --> 00:12:56,819 WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE IN THAT SAFE." 286 00:12:56,863 --> 00:12:59,256 YOU GUYS ALL HAVE INTERESTS AND YOU DO SHIT. 287 00:12:59,300 --> 00:13:01,693 AND I DON'T. YEAH. 288 00:13:01,737 --> 00:13:04,871 TRY DOING NOTHING AS LONG AS ME. 289 00:13:04,914 --> 00:13:07,656 I HAVE "HOUSE ARREST" ON MY BUCKET LIST 290 00:13:07,699 --> 00:13:11,181 JUST SO I HAVE AN EXCUSE FOR WHY I CAN'T GO DO THE DUMB SHIT 291 00:13:11,225 --> 00:13:13,183 YOU LIKE THAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND. 292 00:13:13,227 --> 00:13:15,272 "I'M SORRY. I'D LOVE TO SEE YOUR FRIEND 293 00:13:15,316 --> 00:13:17,535 "PLAY THE FLAMENCO GUITAR, BUT I GOT THE ANKLET. 294 00:13:17,579 --> 00:13:19,450 SORRY." 295 00:13:19,494 --> 00:13:24,064 GO RIGHT BACK TO WATCHING FUCKING HOARDERS. 296 00:13:24,107 --> 00:13:25,500 I WATCH HOARDERS. 297 00:13:25,543 --> 00:13:28,938 I SEE SHIT I NEED. 298 00:13:28,982 --> 00:13:31,071 [laughs] I DO. 299 00:13:31,114 --> 00:13:33,290 LIKE THEY BROUGHT THE YARD SALE INTO MY LIVING ROOM 300 00:13:33,334 --> 00:13:34,596 AND I JUST POKE AROUND. 301 00:13:34,639 --> 00:13:35,902 I'M NOT FOLLOWING THE DIALOG. 302 00:13:35,945 --> 00:13:37,338 I'M JUST LOOKING AT THEIR SHIT. 303 00:13:37,381 --> 00:13:39,383 "BINGO, THEY HAVE AN ORANGE MICROWAVE. 304 00:13:39,427 --> 00:13:41,342 "REWIND IT. PAUSE. 305 00:13:41,385 --> 00:13:42,691 "THAT'S AN ORANGE MIC-- 306 00:13:42,734 --> 00:13:44,693 "HOW DO YOU GET AN ORANGE MICROWAVE? 307 00:13:44,736 --> 00:13:46,521 "UNDERNEATH THE STACK OF THE NEWSPAPERS 308 00:13:46,564 --> 00:13:48,958 "AND THE MUMMIFIED CAT IS AN ORANGE MICROWAVE. 309 00:13:49,002 --> 00:13:50,568 "FIND IT ON AMAZON. 310 00:13:50,612 --> 00:13:54,877 THAT MIGHT FILL THE VOID IN MY SOUL. ORANGE." 311 00:13:54,921 --> 00:13:57,924 BECAUSE THAT'S--I DON'T EVEN DRUNK DIAL PEOPLE ANYMORE 312 00:13:57,967 --> 00:13:59,447 BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY. 313 00:13:59,490 --> 00:14:02,711 BUT I DRUNK EBAY AND AMAZON. 314 00:14:02,754 --> 00:14:04,844 I BUY SHIT WHEN I'M BLACKED OUT. 315 00:14:04,887 --> 00:14:06,323 WHICH IS-- 316 00:14:06,367 --> 00:14:09,239 EBAY'S THE WORST, BECAUSE IF I GET OUTBID, 317 00:14:09,283 --> 00:14:11,851 THEN I TAKE IT PERSONAL WHEN I'M DRINKING. 318 00:14:11,894 --> 00:14:14,201 LIKE YOU JUST FUCKING LOOKED AT MY GIRLFRIEND WEIRD. 319 00:14:14,244 --> 00:14:16,638 "OH, OUTBID ME? I'M GOING TO FUCKING OUTBID YOU. 320 00:14:16,681 --> 00:14:18,118 "YEAH, I'LL WAIT. I'LL WAIT. 321 00:14:18,161 --> 00:14:20,468 "COME ON. DO IT. OH, OUTBID ME? 322 00:14:20,511 --> 00:14:22,731 "OUTBID YOU! BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY HAVE KIDS. 323 00:14:22,774 --> 00:14:25,081 "I DON'T. I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY, 324 00:14:25,125 --> 00:14:27,562 "BUT EVERY PENNY I HAVE IS DISPOSABLE 325 00:14:27,605 --> 00:14:29,303 "BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE CHILDREN. 326 00:14:29,346 --> 00:14:30,957 "I BOUGHT A SHITTY, CHEAP HOUSE 327 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:32,959 ON THE MEXICAN BORDER. 328 00:14:33,002 --> 00:14:36,745 "MY NUT IS 800 BUCKS A YEAR IN PROPERTY TAX. 329 00:14:36,788 --> 00:14:38,660 "I COULD BEG THAT. YOU? 330 00:14:38,703 --> 00:14:40,880 "YOU'RE GONNA OUTBID ME, EVENTUALLY YOU'RE GONNA REALIZE, 331 00:14:40,923 --> 00:14:43,360 "'OH, SHIT, MY CHILDREN HAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE.' 332 00:14:43,404 --> 00:14:45,710 "AND I'M GONNA REALIZE, 'OH, SHIT. 333 00:14:45,754 --> 00:14:48,757 "'I NEED A VINTAGE PACHINKO MACHINE IN MY HOUSE 334 00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:50,280 "FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON.' 335 00:14:50,324 --> 00:14:52,282 "OUTBID YOU. YOU LOSE. 336 00:14:52,326 --> 00:14:56,417 I'M A GIANT WINNER... SOMEHOW." 337 00:14:56,460 --> 00:14:59,637 WAY WORSE THAN DRUNK DIALING, BECAUSE DRUNK BUYING SHIT, 338 00:14:59,681 --> 00:15:01,552 YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER YOU DID IT 339 00:15:01,596 --> 00:15:04,947 FOR FIVE TO SEVEN BUSINESS DAYS. 340 00:15:04,991 --> 00:15:07,907 YOU WALK OUT OF YOUR HOUSE, AND UPS IS BUILDING 341 00:15:07,950 --> 00:15:11,084 SOME CORRUGATED GREAT WALL OF CHINA OUTSIDE. 342 00:15:11,127 --> 00:15:12,650 LIKE, "WHAT DID I DO NOW? 343 00:15:12,694 --> 00:15:14,304 "WHAT DID YOU GET YOURSELF THIS TIME, 344 00:15:14,348 --> 00:15:18,221 "MR. CHRISTMAS IN JULY? 345 00:15:18,265 --> 00:15:22,530 MIRACLE SOCKS, AS SEEN ON TV." 346 00:15:22,573 --> 00:15:25,663 ACTUAL PURCHASE. 347 00:15:25,707 --> 00:15:27,578 I DON'T HAVE CIRCULATION PROBLEMS, 348 00:15:27,622 --> 00:15:30,277 BUT EVIDENTLY WHEN I DRINK ON AMBIEN, 349 00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:32,801 THAT'S SOME UNDERLYING FEAR I DIDN'T EVEN 350 00:15:32,844 --> 00:15:37,197 KNOW I HAD, IS DEEP VEIN THROMBOSIS. 351 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:38,720 "I'M GOING TO DIE. 352 00:15:38,763 --> 00:15:40,896 "MAYBE THAT'S WHY I NEVER WORK AUSTRALIA. 353 00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:42,593 "THAT LONG FLIGHT COULD KILL ME 354 00:15:42,637 --> 00:15:44,769 WITH DEEP VEIN THROMBOSIS." 355 00:15:49,687 --> 00:15:52,908 I HAVE NO FEAR OF DEATH, EXCEPT I HATE WAITING FOR IT. 356 00:15:55,128 --> 00:15:57,739 JUST COME ON. 357 00:15:57,782 --> 00:16:00,655 I BEAT CANCER. 358 00:16:00,698 --> 00:16:02,570 OH, I NEVER HAD IT. THAT'S HOW I BEAT IT. 359 00:16:02,613 --> 00:16:05,138 LIKE I'VE-- OH, YOU SURVIVED IT? 360 00:16:05,181 --> 00:16:07,705 I BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF IT, BUT BY NOT GETTING IT. 361 00:16:07,749 --> 00:16:10,491 I'VE COURTED CANCER EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. 362 00:16:10,534 --> 00:16:13,624 I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING BUT FUCKING PAID CANCER'S 363 00:16:13,668 --> 00:16:15,452 TAXI FARE TO MY HOTEL. 364 00:16:15,496 --> 00:16:17,933 WON'T SHOW UP. THAT'S BEATING IT. 365 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:20,980 YOU SURVIVED IT, YOU'RE LIKE TIED. 366 00:16:21,023 --> 00:16:24,026 I GET THE NUMBER ONE SEED IN THE BRACKET 367 00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:26,637 OVER YOU, SURVIVOR. 368 00:16:26,681 --> 00:16:28,030 I'M A WINNER. 369 00:16:28,074 --> 00:16:29,640 BUT THERE IS AN AFTERLIFE, 370 00:16:29,684 --> 00:16:33,470 AND IF I CAN GIVE YOU ANY HOPE IN THIS SHOW, 371 00:16:33,514 --> 00:16:36,125 I HAVE DEFINITIVE PROOF OF AN AFTERLIFE. 372 00:16:36,169 --> 00:16:38,040 I DIDN'T GET WEIRD OR GO RELIGIOUS ON YOU. 373 00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:39,563 I'M NOT SAYING THERE'S A GOD. 374 00:16:39,607 --> 00:16:42,218 I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE AFTERLIFE ENTAILS, 375 00:16:42,262 --> 00:16:44,481 BUT HERE'S THE PROOF. 376 00:16:44,525 --> 00:16:48,833 MY MOTHER KILLED HERSELF IN 2008. 377 00:16:48,877 --> 00:16:50,400 DON'T WORRY. THIS IS A FUN STORY. 378 00:16:50,444 --> 00:16:53,447 IT WAS THE BEST DEATH YOU COULD EVER BE PART OF. 379 00:16:53,490 --> 00:16:56,363 SHE WAS DYING OF EMPHYSEMA AT 63. 380 00:16:56,406 --> 00:16:58,974 HER BRAIN WAS STILL WITH IT, BUT HER-- 381 00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:01,672 SHE WAS DROWNING IN HER OWN FLUIDS. 382 00:17:01,716 --> 00:17:04,849 SHE'S BEING PERMANENTLY WATER BOARDED BY 45 YEARS 383 00:17:04,893 --> 00:17:06,677 OF KOOL MILDS. 384 00:17:06,721 --> 00:17:08,897 SHE CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. WE KNEW IT WAS GONNA HAPPEN. 385 00:17:08,940 --> 00:17:11,943 WHEN SHE MADE THE CALL, "I CAN'T DO IT." 386 00:17:11,987 --> 00:17:15,425 I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, MA. WE'LL DO WHAT WE CAN." 387 00:17:15,469 --> 00:17:18,298 I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT. MA'S GONNA KILL HERSELF." 388 00:17:18,341 --> 00:17:20,082 I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. LIKE THAT'S-- 389 00:17:20,126 --> 00:17:21,605 OKAY, WE KNOW IT'S GONNA HAPPEN, 390 00:17:21,649 --> 00:17:23,651 BUT WHEN YOU SAY, "WE'RE GONNA DO IT," 391 00:17:23,694 --> 00:17:26,088 I'M NOT GONNA GO BUY YOU A FUCKING SHOTGUN. 392 00:17:26,132 --> 00:17:28,047 LIKE, "OH, HAVE FUN, MA." 393 00:17:30,614 --> 00:17:33,095 SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. 394 00:17:33,139 --> 00:17:36,577 I DON'T KILL PEOPLE. IT'S JUST-- 395 00:17:36,620 --> 00:17:40,015 IT'S NOT SOMETHING, LIKE, I FANTASIZE ABOUT IT. 396 00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,712 IF MY MOTHER WERE NANCY GRACE, 397 00:17:41,756 --> 00:17:42,713 I'D HAVE BEEN ALL OVER IT. 398 00:17:42,757 --> 00:17:44,411 LIKE I HAVE PLANS. 399 00:17:44,454 --> 00:17:46,587 BUT MY MOTHER WAS A GREAT PERSON, SO I'M LIKE, 400 00:17:46,630 --> 00:17:49,285 "HOW DO WE DO THIS RIGHT?" SO I CALLED MY LAWYER. 401 00:17:49,329 --> 00:17:50,895 I HAVE THREE LAWYERS. WE HAVE-- 402 00:17:50,939 --> 00:17:53,159 LIKE, WE'RE JEWED UP BIG WITH LAWYERS IN L.A. 403 00:17:53,202 --> 00:17:54,682 FOR THIS SHIT, 404 00:17:54,725 --> 00:17:56,858 ALL THE CAMERA PEOPLE AND RECORDING CONTRACTS. 405 00:17:56,901 --> 00:17:59,904 THEN I HAVE MY LOCAL BISBEE ATTORNEY 406 00:17:59,948 --> 00:18:01,471 THAT HELPS ME WITH-- LIKE, I GOT MARRIED 407 00:18:01,515 --> 00:18:05,171 WHEN I WAS 20 AND I HAD 24 YEARS OF MARITAL BLISS, 408 00:18:05,214 --> 00:18:06,998 TILL I REMEMBERED, "OH, FUCK. 409 00:18:07,042 --> 00:18:10,089 I NEVER DIVORCED THAT GIRL I DRUNKENLY MARRIED IN VEGAS." 410 00:18:10,132 --> 00:18:13,179 THAT'S FOR ANOTHER DVD. SO HE-- 411 00:18:13,222 --> 00:18:16,312 BUT THEN WE HAVE OUR THIRD LAWYER, WHO'S A COMEDY FAN. 412 00:18:16,356 --> 00:18:19,620 HE'S OUR, LIKE WINK-WINK, NUDGE-NUDGE, 413 00:18:19,663 --> 00:18:22,840 SAUL GOODMAN FROM BREAKING BAD ATTORNEY. 414 00:18:22,884 --> 00:18:25,930 THAT HE HANDLES ALL THE CREEPY SHIT, 415 00:18:25,974 --> 00:18:28,411 LIKE WHEN ME AND ANDY ARE UP LATE AT NIGHT 416 00:18:28,455 --> 00:18:29,978 DOING BLOW AND THINKING OF-- 417 00:18:30,021 --> 00:18:31,240 "CALL KIRSCHNER. 418 00:18:31,284 --> 00:18:32,894 "SEE HOW MUCH JAIL TIME WE COULD-- 419 00:18:32,937 --> 00:18:34,461 COULD WE GO TO PRISON IF WE ACTUALLY DID THIS?" 420 00:18:34,504 --> 00:18:36,202 HE'S THAT GUY. 421 00:18:36,245 --> 00:18:40,031 SO I CALLED HIM, KNOWING HE'D HOOK ME UP WITH A DOCTOR 422 00:18:40,075 --> 00:18:43,078 ON THE DOWN LOW, AS WE SAY IN THE BLACK COMMUNITY, 423 00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:44,645 AS A BLACK PERSON. 424 00:18:44,688 --> 00:18:47,865 HE GAVE ME THE NUMBER TO A DOCTOR. 425 00:18:47,909 --> 00:18:50,781 AND I GO, "HEY, MY MOTHER'S GONNA CASH OUT, 426 00:18:50,825 --> 00:18:52,131 AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO." 427 00:18:52,174 --> 00:18:53,523 HE SAID, "WHAT DO YOU HAVE?" 428 00:18:53,567 --> 00:18:55,612 I GO, "I'VE GOT XANAX OUT THE ASS." 429 00:18:55,656 --> 00:18:59,268 ON THE BORDER, YOU CAN GET ALL THE FUCKING XANAX YOU WANT. 430 00:18:59,312 --> 00:19:01,792 HE'S LIKE, "THAT'S NO GOOD. THAT'S ANTI-ANXIETY. 431 00:19:01,836 --> 00:19:03,577 DOES SHE HAVE HOSPICE CARE?" 432 00:19:03,620 --> 00:19:04,882 "YEAH, SHE DOES." 433 00:19:04,926 --> 00:19:06,362 "THEN SHE SHOULD HAVE MORPHINE." 434 00:19:06,406 --> 00:19:07,668 "MA, YOU GOT MORPHINE?" 435 00:19:07,711 --> 00:19:09,060 "YEAH, I GOT MORPHINE." 436 00:19:09,104 --> 00:19:10,584 "ALL RIGHT. SHE'S GOT MORPHINE." 437 00:19:10,627 --> 00:19:12,412 WE WORKED OUT THE DOSAGES AND THE MILLIGRAMS. 438 00:19:12,455 --> 00:19:14,196 AND HE GOES, "IF SHE HAS 30 OF THOSE, 439 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,764 THAT'S ENOUGH TO KILL ANY HUMAN BEING ON THE PLANET." 440 00:19:16,807 --> 00:19:19,201 SHE HAD FUCKING 90. 441 00:19:19,245 --> 00:19:21,421 LIKE, "OKAY. WE'RE GOOD. OKAY." 442 00:19:21,464 --> 00:19:23,205 "WE NEVER TALKED. REMEMBER THAT." 443 00:19:23,249 --> 00:19:25,120 "OKAY, DOC." 444 00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:27,383 SO I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA DO THIS. 445 00:19:27,427 --> 00:19:29,385 FIRST OF ALL, BRING HER TO MY HOUSE." 446 00:19:29,429 --> 00:19:31,300 BECAUSE SHE LIVED IN 300 SQUARE FEET 447 00:19:31,344 --> 00:19:32,910 OF HOARDER PARADISE. 448 00:19:32,954 --> 00:19:35,783 OLD ELECTRIC BILLS WITH SPIDER WEBS ALL CRAMMED-- 449 00:19:35,826 --> 00:19:37,393 LIKE IT'S DEPRESSING ENOUGH 450 00:19:37,437 --> 00:19:39,352 IF YOU'RE GONNA HELP YOUR MOTHER KILL HERSELF. 451 00:19:39,395 --> 00:19:42,442 BUT WE'RE GONNA GO TO MY HOUSE. WE'LL TIDY UP, WE'LL-- 452 00:19:42,485 --> 00:19:46,533 SO WE SET HER UP WITH A HOSPITAL BED IN THE LIVING ROOM. 453 00:19:46,576 --> 00:19:50,711 SHE HAD BEEN AA OFF AND ON FOR MY WHOLE LIFE. 454 00:19:50,754 --> 00:19:53,322 SHE HAD, AT THIS POINT, BEEN FOUR YEARS SOBER. 455 00:19:53,366 --> 00:19:57,152 AND I'M LIKE, "YOU'RE NOT GONNA KILL YOURSELF SOBER, RIGHT? 456 00:19:57,196 --> 00:20:00,111 YOU CAN'T TAKE THOSE CHIPS WITH YOU." 457 00:20:00,155 --> 00:20:01,896 RIGHT? 458 00:20:01,939 --> 00:20:03,332 SHE'S LIKE, "YEAH. YOU'RE RIGHT. 459 00:20:03,376 --> 00:20:04,986 WHY WOULD I DO THAT? THAT'S DUMB." 460 00:20:05,029 --> 00:20:06,770 SO SHE-- IN HER HEYDAY, 461 00:20:06,814 --> 00:20:08,424 SHE WAS A BLACK RUSSIAN DRINKER, 462 00:20:08,468 --> 00:20:10,731 SO I SET OUT A MINI BOTTLE OF KETEL ONE 463 00:20:10,774 --> 00:20:13,473 AND A MINI BOTTLE OF KAHLUA WITH HER PILLS. 464 00:20:13,516 --> 00:20:15,866 "FOR WHENEVER YOU'RE READY. LET ME KNOW." 465 00:20:15,910 --> 00:20:18,652 WE LAID DOWN GROUND RULES. 466 00:20:18,695 --> 00:20:21,524 I SAID, "MA, IF YOU'RE GONNA KILL YOURSELF, SERIOUSLY, 467 00:20:21,568 --> 00:20:24,223 "YOU CAN'T DO IT ON SUNDAY OR MONDAY 468 00:20:24,266 --> 00:20:27,878 "BECAUSE THAT'S FOOTBALL, AND THAT'S A DICK MOVE. 469 00:20:27,922 --> 00:20:31,752 "IF YOU CAN CALL YOUR OWN TIME TO LEAVE THIS PLANET, 470 00:20:31,795 --> 00:20:34,798 "DON'T DO IT DURING SOMEONE ELSE'S PLANNED EVENT. 471 00:20:34,842 --> 00:20:37,148 DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE." 472 00:20:37,192 --> 00:20:39,673 AND SHE DID IT THE SATURDAY BEFORE FOOTBALL. 473 00:20:39,716 --> 00:20:40,717 THAT WAS GREAT. 474 00:20:40,761 --> 00:20:42,545 SHE CAME IN ON THURSDAY. 475 00:20:42,589 --> 00:20:44,852 SATURDAY NIGHT, SHE GOES, "IT'S TIME." 476 00:20:44,895 --> 00:20:47,637 AND I'M LIKE, "TIME FOR WHAT? LIKE MEDICATION?" 477 00:20:47,681 --> 00:20:48,943 "NO, IT'S TIME." 478 00:20:48,986 --> 00:20:50,510 AND LIKE, "OH FUCK. THIS IS REAL." 479 00:20:50,553 --> 00:20:52,033 SO I WAKE UP BINGO. 480 00:20:52,076 --> 00:20:53,252 LIKE IT'S GOING ON. 481 00:20:53,295 --> 00:20:55,645 WE START MIXING UP WHITE RUSSIANS. 482 00:20:55,689 --> 00:20:57,778 SHE DECIDED TO MAKE BLACK RUSSIANS WHITE RUSSIANS 483 00:20:57,821 --> 00:21:00,302 BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT THE MILK WOULD COAT HER BELLY 484 00:21:00,346 --> 00:21:02,304 BETTER FOR TAKING ALL THE PILLS. 485 00:21:02,348 --> 00:21:03,566 LIKE MOTHER TILL THE END. 486 00:21:03,610 --> 00:21:04,698 "DO YOU HAVE WHOLE MILK?" 487 00:21:04,741 --> 00:21:05,742 "I GOT SKIM." 488 00:21:05,786 --> 00:21:07,266 "SKIM'LL WORK. 489 00:21:07,309 --> 00:21:09,311 "I JUST DON'T WANT TO THROW UP THE PILLS. 490 00:21:09,355 --> 00:21:12,532 CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SUICIDE." 491 00:21:12,575 --> 00:21:16,013 IT WAS SO FUCKING-- IT WAS SO SWEET. 492 00:21:16,057 --> 00:21:19,713 SO WE'RE WHIPPING UP DRINKS AND-- 493 00:21:19,756 --> 00:21:23,282 I DIDN'T SO MUCH ASSIST A SUICIDE AS BAR BACK IT. 494 00:21:23,325 --> 00:21:25,022 LIKE, I'M IN THERE MIXING DRINKS 495 00:21:25,066 --> 00:21:26,502 BECAUSE WE'RE ALL DRINKING. 496 00:21:26,546 --> 00:21:28,852 WE WATCH BAD SANTA TOGETHER, 497 00:21:28,896 --> 00:21:30,506 HER FAVORITE MOVIE, TOGETHER. 498 00:21:30,550 --> 00:21:32,421 SHE HAD A VERY DARK SENSE OF HUMOR. 499 00:21:32,465 --> 00:21:34,293 I DIDN'T COME FROM NOWHERE. 500 00:21:34,336 --> 00:21:36,469 MY MOTHER USED TO REVIEW PORN ON THE MAN SHOW. 501 00:21:36,512 --> 00:21:38,993 SHE WAS FUCKING DARK LIKE US. 502 00:21:39,036 --> 00:21:40,647 SO WE WATCHED BAD SANTA, 503 00:21:40,690 --> 00:21:43,084 AND SHE'S TRYING TO CHOKE DOWN THESE PILLS. 504 00:21:43,127 --> 00:21:45,216 SHE HAD A VERY HARD TIME TAKING PILLS. 505 00:21:45,260 --> 00:21:48,568 SO SHE'S JUST GAGGING AND JUST GETTING THEM DOWN. 506 00:21:48,611 --> 00:21:50,657 SO I'M KEEPING A VAGUE COUNT. 507 00:21:50,700 --> 00:21:54,182 WHEN SHE GOT AROUND 30, A LITTLE OVER, I'M LIKE, 508 00:21:54,225 --> 00:21:55,966 "MA, THAT'S GOOD. 509 00:21:56,010 --> 00:21:57,707 YOU DON'T NEED TO DO ANYMORE. YOU'RE FINE." 510 00:21:57,751 --> 00:22:00,623 AND SHE SAID, "I DON'T WANT TO TAKE ANY CHANCES." 511 00:22:00,667 --> 00:22:02,364 SHE WAS SO SCARED OF FUCKING UP. 512 00:22:02,408 --> 00:22:06,977 SHE TOOK ALL 90 MORPHINE. THE-- 513 00:22:07,021 --> 00:22:08,370 WE'RE SITTING THERE IN HORROR, GOING, 514 00:22:08,414 --> 00:22:12,200 "YOU'RE WASTING-- MA... 515 00:22:12,243 --> 00:22:17,161 "THEY SAID 30 OF THOSE WOULD KILL ANY HUMAN BEING ALIVE. 516 00:22:17,205 --> 00:22:20,121 "YOU COULD LEAVE 60 OF THEM FOR ME AND BINGO 517 00:22:20,164 --> 00:22:23,907 "AS OUR ONLY INHERITANCE OTHER THAN THE LAST 518 00:22:23,951 --> 00:22:27,346 17-YEAR-OLD BLIND CAT YOU HAVE, GEORGIA." 519 00:22:27,389 --> 00:22:29,913 YEAH, WE COULD HAVE 60 MORPHINES 520 00:22:29,957 --> 00:22:31,872 TO HAVE SPONTANEOUS MEMORIALS 521 00:22:31,915 --> 00:22:34,353 FOR MOTHER EVERY YEAR AND AGAIN." 522 00:22:34,396 --> 00:22:36,050 "REMEMBER MOM? POP A MORPHINE. 523 00:22:36,093 --> 00:22:37,399 "WHOO! WHAT A GREAT LADY. 524 00:22:37,443 --> 00:22:39,401 WHAT A CRAZY OLD BITCH." NO. 525 00:22:39,445 --> 00:22:44,145 HOARDER TILL THE END. ALL FUCKING 90. 526 00:22:44,188 --> 00:22:47,017 AND THEN WE FUCKED WITH HER. 527 00:22:47,061 --> 00:22:50,238 I REMEMBER HER LAST WORDS AS SHE'S COMING IN AND OUT. 528 00:22:50,281 --> 00:22:52,545 BECAUSE WE'RE JUST GOOFING ON HER AS SHE'S DOING THIS, 529 00:22:52,588 --> 00:22:54,155 AS SHE'S FADING IN AND OUT. 530 00:22:54,198 --> 00:22:55,896 I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IF SHE WOULD RESPOND. 531 00:22:55,939 --> 00:22:58,202 SHE WAS JUST HAMMERING COCKTAILS, SHE-- 532 00:22:58,246 --> 00:23:01,031 AND SHE'S LAYING THERE, HALF IN, HALF OUT, 533 00:23:01,075 --> 00:23:03,251 WITH A WHITE RUSSIAN ON HER CHEST THAT SHE'D 534 00:23:03,294 --> 00:23:05,775 OCCASIONALLY GET TO HER MOUTH, AND IT'D SPILL. 535 00:23:05,819 --> 00:23:07,168 YOU KNOW WHEN YOU COME OFF THE WAGON, 536 00:23:07,211 --> 00:23:08,648 YOU HIT IT FUCKING HARD. 537 00:23:08,691 --> 00:23:10,214 AND IT'S PRETTY BAD 538 00:23:10,258 --> 00:23:11,564 WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO KEEP UP DRINKING 539 00:23:11,607 --> 00:23:15,089 WITH AN 83-POUND, 63-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. 540 00:23:15,132 --> 00:23:16,612 "AAGH." AND I GO, "WOW. 541 00:23:16,656 --> 00:23:18,527 YOU'RE REALLY KNOCKING THOSE BACK, MA." 542 00:23:18,571 --> 00:23:22,662 AND SHE GOES, "THERE'S TIMES TO BE DAINTY, 543 00:23:22,705 --> 00:23:25,534 AND THERE'S TIMES TO BE A PIG." 544 00:23:25,578 --> 00:23:28,189 [cheers and applause] 545 00:23:28,232 --> 00:23:29,930 AND WE ALL LAUGHED. 546 00:23:29,973 --> 00:23:32,541 AND THIS IS MOTHER'S PROBLEM THROUGHOUT HER LIFE. 547 00:23:32,585 --> 00:23:35,196 SHE WAS A FUNNY LADY, SPORADICALLY. 548 00:23:35,239 --> 00:23:38,808 BUT WHEN SHE WOULD GET A LAUGH, SHE WOULD JUST HAMMER IT 549 00:23:38,852 --> 00:23:41,028 AND OVER-TAG IT AND REPEAT THE JOKE. 550 00:23:41,071 --> 00:23:42,638 LIKE, JUST KEEP-- 551 00:23:42,682 --> 00:23:44,553 "I CAN KEEP GETTING A LAUGH OFF THE SAME JOKE." 552 00:23:44,597 --> 00:23:46,468 AND IT WOULD RUIN THE JOKE. 553 00:23:46,512 --> 00:23:48,514 AND WHEN WE ALL LAUGHED AT "THERE'S TIMES TO BE A PIG," 554 00:23:48,557 --> 00:23:51,299 I SAW HER GO INTO-- SHE'S GONNA--AND I GO, 555 00:23:51,342 --> 00:23:54,476 "SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH. THOSE ARE PERFECT LAST WORDS. 556 00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:58,480 YOU'RE NOT GONNA RUIN THIS JOKE. CUT THE MIC ON MOTHER." 557 00:23:58,524 --> 00:24:03,180 AND THEN WE JUST ROASTED HER AS SHE FELL IN AND OUT. 558 00:24:03,224 --> 00:24:05,487 WE JUST DID A FRIAR'S CLUB ROAST, 559 00:24:05,531 --> 00:24:09,143 MAKING FUN OF HER AND MAKING IT A FUN, DARK SUICIDE. 560 00:24:09,186 --> 00:24:12,494 "MA, WAIT. THEY FOUND A CURE." 561 00:24:15,628 --> 00:24:18,674 "I LOVE YOU, BUT FUCK YOU. 562 00:24:18,718 --> 00:24:23,592 I WAS A BAD MOTHER. I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU." 563 00:24:23,636 --> 00:24:27,117 AT ONE POINT, I REMEMBER I SAID, 564 00:24:27,161 --> 00:24:30,904 "MA, IF THERE'S ANY KIND OF WHITE LIGHT SITUATION, 565 00:24:30,947 --> 00:24:33,341 "THAT OTHER SIDE THAT YOU GET TO, 566 00:24:33,384 --> 00:24:36,431 "IF YOU CAN COMMUNICATE WITH US HOUDINI-STYLE, 567 00:24:36,475 --> 00:24:40,435 "SEE IF THERE'S ANY WAY THAT YOU CAN MAKE THE SAINTS 568 00:24:40,479 --> 00:24:43,612 "COVER EIGHT POINTS AT OAKLAND TOMORROW 569 00:24:43,656 --> 00:24:45,484 BECAUSE I HAVE MONEY ON THE GAME." 570 00:24:45,527 --> 00:24:47,616 AND THEY DID. THE SAINTS FUCKING BLEW THEM OUT-- 571 00:24:47,660 --> 00:24:49,836 OCTOBER 12, 2008. 572 00:24:49,879 --> 00:24:52,491 THE SAINTS WON 34 TO 3. 573 00:24:52,534 --> 00:24:55,755 I'M NOT SAYING THAT'S PROOF OF AN AFTERLIFE. 574 00:24:55,798 --> 00:24:59,193 THAT WAS JUST 40 BUCKS THAT I WON. 575 00:24:59,236 --> 00:25:02,805 PROOF OF THE AFTERLIFE IS THIS. 576 00:25:02,849 --> 00:25:06,679 IF THERE WERE NO AFTERLIFE, 577 00:25:06,722 --> 00:25:09,203 HOW COULD MY MOTHER 578 00:25:09,246 --> 00:25:11,858 HAVE BOUGHT ME AND MY FRIENDS 579 00:25:11,901 --> 00:25:14,904 SO MANY NICE THINGS 580 00:25:14,948 --> 00:25:18,865 FROM THE SKYMALL CATALOG 581 00:25:18,908 --> 00:25:21,868 ON HER CREDIT CARD 582 00:25:21,911 --> 00:25:29,745 FOUR DAYS AFTER SHE PASSED FROM THIS EARTH? 583 00:25:29,789 --> 00:25:31,704 [cheers and applause] 584 00:25:31,747 --> 00:25:34,315 ANSWER ME THAT, YOUR HONOR. 585 00:25:34,358 --> 00:25:37,318 ANSWER ME THAT. 586 00:25:37,361 --> 00:25:41,322 IN FACT, I'D LIKE TO ENTER THESE CREDIT CARD RECEIPTS 587 00:25:41,365 --> 00:25:44,194 INTO EVIDENCE, AGAINST THE ADVICE OF MY ATTORNEY. 588 00:25:44,238 --> 00:25:46,022 "LOOK AT THAT. FOUR DAYS. 589 00:25:46,066 --> 00:25:47,807 "I HAD TO SWEAR ON YOUR BIBLE 590 00:25:47,850 --> 00:25:50,113 "JUST TO TESTIFY IN MY OWN DEFENSE. 591 00:25:50,157 --> 00:25:53,073 "YOUR SILLY FAKE JESUS ONLY LASTED THREE DAYS 592 00:25:53,116 --> 00:25:56,119 "BEFORE HE RAN OUT OF THAT CAVE LIKE A PUSSY. 593 00:25:56,163 --> 00:25:59,340 "MY MOTHER? FOUR DAYS, RELAXING UP THERE. 594 00:25:59,383 --> 00:26:02,561 SHE'S DRUNK EBAYING LIKE I DO!" 595 00:26:08,131 --> 00:26:11,091 THAT LAST PIECE OF THAT STORY HAS SPECIAL MEANING TO ME 596 00:26:11,134 --> 00:26:13,659 BECAUSE IN MY ENTIRE CAREER, THAT'S THE ONLY CHUNK 597 00:26:13,702 --> 00:26:17,271 OF MATERIAL I'VE EVER HAD THAT HAD A STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS 598 00:26:17,314 --> 00:26:20,317 BEFORE I COULD COMFORTABLY TELL IT ON STAGE. 599 00:26:20,361 --> 00:26:24,104 THREE-YEAR STATUTE FOR CREDIT CARD FRAUD. 600 00:26:24,147 --> 00:26:29,849 AFTER THAT, FUCK YOU. 601 00:26:29,892 --> 00:26:32,242 MOTHER DIDN'T WANT SOME SILLY GRAVESTONE. 602 00:26:32,286 --> 00:26:33,679 THAT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING. 603 00:26:33,722 --> 00:26:36,464 MOTHER WANTED ME TO HAVE A VOICE-ACTIVATED 604 00:26:36,507 --> 00:26:39,598 REMOTE CONTROL R2-D2 DOLL. 605 00:26:45,691 --> 00:26:51,914 I'M JUST SAYING WE ALL OCCUPY IN OUR OWN WAY. 606 00:26:51,958 --> 00:26:57,964 YOU OCCUPY YOUR FUCKING FILTHY PORTLAND HIPPIE SELVES 607 00:26:58,007 --> 00:27:01,881 BECAUSE YOU HATE THE 1% 608 00:27:01,924 --> 00:27:03,447 AND YOU HATE THE BANKS 609 00:27:03,491 --> 00:27:06,102 BECAUSE OF THEIR PREDATORY-LENDING PRACTICES 610 00:27:06,146 --> 00:27:09,453 AGAINST THE PEOPLE, AND ENSLAVE THEM IN A LIFETIME OF DEBT. 611 00:27:09,497 --> 00:27:10,933 WHAT'D YOU DO ABOUT IT? 612 00:27:10,977 --> 00:27:13,588 YOU STUNK UP A PARK FOR ALMOST A YEAR. 613 00:27:13,632 --> 00:27:16,722 I OCCUPY FAR MORE EFFICIENTLY. 614 00:27:16,765 --> 00:27:19,115 MAYBE YOU SHOULD LOOK TO ME FOR LEADERSHIP. 615 00:27:19,159 --> 00:27:21,770 I HATE THE BANKS AS WELL, AS WE ALL DO. 616 00:27:21,814 --> 00:27:23,119 HOW DID I FUCK THEM? 617 00:27:23,163 --> 00:27:25,078 I SPENT THREE HOURS JACKING UP 618 00:27:25,121 --> 00:27:28,124 MOTHER'S CHASE BANK VISA CARD AFTER SHE'S DEAD 619 00:27:28,168 --> 00:27:31,824 UP TO ITS $10,000 LIMIT, BUYING DUMB SHIT 620 00:27:31,867 --> 00:27:34,609 THAT NO ONE NEEDS AND STICKING THEM WITH THE BILL 621 00:27:34,653 --> 00:27:37,568 BECAUSE SHE HAD NO ESTATE EXCEPT FOR THAT BLIND, 622 00:27:37,612 --> 00:27:39,048 FUCKING LAST CAT. 623 00:27:39,092 --> 00:27:42,617 IF YOU WANT TO REPO THAT, HAVE AT IT. 624 00:27:42,661 --> 00:27:44,053 [cheers and applause] 625 00:27:44,097 --> 00:27:48,144 THAT ACTUALLY CAUSED DAMAGE TO THE BANK. 626 00:27:48,188 --> 00:27:50,712 NOT SITTING AROUND WITH A DOG WITH A KERCHIEF 627 00:27:50,756 --> 00:27:53,628 AND A CARDBOARD SIGN, "DOO DOO DOO DOO," 628 00:27:53,672 --> 00:27:56,587 SLAPPING ON DRUMS IN A DRUM CIRCLE. 629 00:27:56,631 --> 00:27:59,329 THE FUCKING OCCUPY MOVEMENT WAS SUCH A LETDOWN 630 00:27:59,373 --> 00:28:00,896 BECAUSE YOU SEEMED LIKE ME. 631 00:28:00,940 --> 00:28:02,724 ANGRY, AND WE'RE GONNA TAKE TO THE STREETS. 632 00:28:02,768 --> 00:28:04,944 AND, HOLY SHIT, AROUND THE GLOBE, 633 00:28:04,987 --> 00:28:06,641 PEOPLE ARE, "FUCK THIS. 634 00:28:06,685 --> 00:28:08,077 WE'RE GONNA DO SOMETHING." 635 00:28:08,121 --> 00:28:11,037 AND WHAT DID YOU DO? YOU FUCKED UP A PARK. 636 00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:14,431 ALL YOU FUCKED UP IN A YEAR IS SOME GUY'S DAY 637 00:28:14,475 --> 00:28:17,043 WHO WANTED TO THROW A FRISBEE FOR HIS DOG, 638 00:28:17,086 --> 00:28:19,698 BUT HE COULDN'T BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL CAMPED OUT THERE. 639 00:28:19,741 --> 00:28:21,743 YOU HATE THE BANKS? DON'T FUCK UP THE PARK. 640 00:28:21,787 --> 00:28:23,832 FUCK UP THE BANK. 641 00:28:23,876 --> 00:28:25,442 [cheers and applause] 642 00:28:25,486 --> 00:28:27,053 WHO'S IN CHARGE OF THIS PROJECT? 643 00:28:27,096 --> 00:28:28,794 NEXT TIME, ME! 644 00:28:28,837 --> 00:28:30,970 "WE DON'T REALLY HAVE LEADERSHIP." 645 00:28:31,013 --> 00:28:34,800 YOU NEEDED SOME! 646 00:28:34,843 --> 00:28:38,107 YOU HAVE 500 ANGRY PEOPLE IN A PARK. 647 00:28:38,151 --> 00:28:40,806 GO BREAK THEM UP INTO SQUADS OF 20. 648 00:28:40,849 --> 00:28:43,852 YOU CAN FUCK UP EVERY BRANCH OF BANK OF AMERICA 649 00:28:43,896 --> 00:28:46,159 IN A 50-MILE RADIUS. 650 00:28:46,202 --> 00:28:50,163 GO THERE, AND NOT AS ANARCHISTS, EITHER. 651 00:28:50,206 --> 00:28:51,468 THROWING BRICKS THROUGH THE WINDOWS? 652 00:28:51,512 --> 00:28:53,732 WHAT ARE YOU, A FUCKING TEENAGER? 653 00:28:53,775 --> 00:28:55,429 HAVE SOME INGENUITY. 654 00:28:55,472 --> 00:28:58,824 YOU LINE UP AS CUSTOMERS AT 8:00 IN THE MORNING. 655 00:28:58,867 --> 00:29:02,566 THEY ONLY HAVE TWO DESKS TO DO ACTUAL COMMERCE 656 00:29:02,610 --> 00:29:04,830 OTHER THAN CASHING CHECKS AND SHIT. 657 00:29:04,873 --> 00:29:08,790 YOU CLOG UP THOSE TWO DESKS AS BOGUS CUSTOMERS. 658 00:29:08,834 --> 00:29:11,053 SIT DOWN, CROSS YOUR LEGS, 659 00:29:11,097 --> 00:29:15,710 APPLY FOR FRIVOLOUS LOANS ALL DAY LONG. 660 00:29:15,754 --> 00:29:18,800 THAT'S A LOT OF PAPERWORK FOR EVERY FRIVOLOUS, 661 00:29:18,844 --> 00:29:28,157 "YES, I NEED A BILLION DOLLARS FOR AN ANT FARM. 662 00:29:30,246 --> 00:29:32,031 "SHARPEN SOME PENCILS. 663 00:29:32,074 --> 00:29:34,468 "THAT'S A BIG STACK OF PAPERWORK. 664 00:29:34,511 --> 00:29:37,427 I'D LOVE SOME COFFEE." 665 00:29:37,471 --> 00:29:40,996 YOU COMB YOUR DREADLOCKS OVER TO ONE SIDE, 666 00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:44,347 PUT ON YOUR $3 SALVATION ARMY SUIT, 667 00:29:44,391 --> 00:29:46,828 AND YOU CLOG UP ALL THEIR TIME. 668 00:29:46,872 --> 00:29:50,266 "OR YOU COULD DENY ME THE RIGHT TO APPLY FOR THE LOAN, 669 00:29:50,310 --> 00:29:53,835 "AND THEN I SUE THE FUCK OUT OF YOU FOR DISCRIMINATION, 670 00:29:53,879 --> 00:29:56,795 CAUSING EVEN MORE DAMAGE TO YOUR BOTTOM LINE." 671 00:29:56,838 --> 00:29:59,014 RATHER THAN JUST SITTING OUT THERE IN A PARK 672 00:29:59,058 --> 00:30:01,103 GETTING TEAR-GASSED BY COPS. 673 00:30:01,147 --> 00:30:04,019 WHAT DOES THAT DO? WHAT ARE YOU ACCOMPLISHING? 674 00:30:04,063 --> 00:30:06,761 "I GOT IT ON TAPE. POLICE ABUSE." 675 00:30:06,805 --> 00:30:08,981 YEAH, POLICE ABUSE PEOPLE. THAT'S HOW IT WORKS. 676 00:30:09,024 --> 00:30:10,373 YOU'RE NEVER GONNA WIN. 677 00:30:10,417 --> 00:30:12,201 YEAH. WELL, YOU WANT TO FIGHT THAT, 678 00:30:12,245 --> 00:30:14,813 AND EVENTUALLY THEY'LL GO, "IT WAS JUSTIFIED." 679 00:30:14,856 --> 00:30:16,771 "I WAS LAYING THERE. I'M PARALYZED. 680 00:30:16,815 --> 00:30:18,773 I WAS FACE-DOWN IN THE PARK. THEY TASED ME." 681 00:30:18,817 --> 00:30:20,035 "JUSTIFIED." 682 00:30:20,079 --> 00:30:22,516 YEAH. WHY AREN'T YOU THE COPS? 683 00:30:22,559 --> 00:30:23,822 THAT'S A BETTER IDEA. 684 00:30:23,865 --> 00:30:25,649 YOU HAD A FUCKING YEAR IN THE PARK. 685 00:30:25,693 --> 00:30:29,001 THE FIRST WEEK OF OCCUPY, YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED EVERYONE 686 00:30:29,044 --> 00:30:33,875 WITH NO POLICE RECORD OUT, MADE THEM GO APPLY TO BE POLICE. 687 00:30:33,919 --> 00:30:36,704 YOU'D HAVE HAD PEOPLE THAT HAVE GOTTEN THROUGH THE ACADEMY. 688 00:30:36,747 --> 00:30:39,881 THEY'RE IN THE WORKS NOW. THEY'RE MOLES ON YOUR SIDE. 689 00:30:39,925 --> 00:30:42,188 THEY'RE SITTING THERE IN A RIOT HELMET 690 00:30:42,231 --> 00:30:44,886 WITH A BLUETOOTH UNDERNEATH THE STAR WARS HELMET, 691 00:30:44,930 --> 00:30:47,715 CALLING YOU IN THE PARK, GIVING YOU HEADS-UPS. 692 00:30:47,758 --> 00:30:49,412 "HEY, KEVIN. 693 00:30:49,456 --> 00:30:52,894 "YOU MIGHT WANT TO PUT ON A GAS MASK AROUND 7:45 A.M., 694 00:30:52,938 --> 00:30:56,071 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?" 695 00:30:56,115 --> 00:30:59,596 "THANKS, SHANE, BUT WE'RE ALREADY WEARING GAS MASKS 696 00:30:59,640 --> 00:31:03,252 "'CAUSE WE HAVEN'T SHOWERED IN 7 1/2 MONTHS, 697 00:31:03,296 --> 00:31:06,690 "AND ANGELA'S SNATCH IS REALLY STARTING TO REEK UP 698 00:31:06,734 --> 00:31:08,867 "THE PUP TENT SOMETHING FEROCIOUS. 699 00:31:08,910 --> 00:31:10,825 "BUT KEEP FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT. 700 00:31:10,869 --> 00:31:13,654 POWER TO THE PEOPLE!" GOOD CHRIST. 701 00:31:13,697 --> 00:31:16,265 YOU COULD HAVE DONE SO MUCH WITH THAT. 702 00:31:16,309 --> 00:31:19,965 THERE'S A FUCKING MILLION WAYS YOU COULD HAVE BEEN CLEVER. 703 00:31:20,008 --> 00:31:23,664 THAT'S WHY I LOVE WIKILEAKS AND ANONYMOUS, 704 00:31:23,707 --> 00:31:24,839 'CAUSE THEY'RE ACTUALLY IN THERE. 705 00:31:24,883 --> 00:31:26,710 THEY'RE FUCKING WITH THE SYSTEM. 706 00:31:26,754 --> 00:31:32,107 THEY'RE NOT SITTING AROUND CHANTING AND SLAPPING BONGOS. 707 00:31:32,151 --> 00:31:36,024 BRADLEY MANNING DIDN'T GET TO RELEASE ALL THAT INFORMATION 708 00:31:36,068 --> 00:31:37,808 BY SITTING IN A DRUM CIRCLE. 709 00:31:37,852 --> 00:31:39,506 HE HAD TO GET INSIDE. 710 00:31:39,549 --> 00:31:42,204 THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD FUCKING READ UP ON SCIENTOLOGY. 711 00:31:42,248 --> 00:31:43,553 AND I'M SERIOUS. 712 00:31:43,597 --> 00:31:46,208 SCIENTOLOGY IS BRILLIANT. 713 00:31:46,252 --> 00:31:48,819 READ THIS BOOK INSIDE SCIENTOLOGY. 714 00:31:48,863 --> 00:31:52,823 IT'S A BREAKDOWN OF HOW THAT EVIL MOTHERFUCKER 715 00:31:52,867 --> 00:31:56,131 CREATED THAT RELIGION IN A MODERN TIME. 716 00:31:56,175 --> 00:31:58,438 EVERY OTHER RELIGION PEOPLE BELIEVE IN, 717 00:31:58,481 --> 00:32:02,094 YOU ONLY BELIEVE IN IT BECAUSE ALL YOUR ANCESTRY DID. 718 00:32:02,137 --> 00:32:06,881 THIS GUY HAD TO CREATE THIS AND SELL IT TO ADULTS RECENTLY. 719 00:32:06,925 --> 00:32:10,754 IT'S AS STUPID AS ANY OTHER RELIGION, BUT HOW DID HE DO IT? 720 00:32:10,798 --> 00:32:13,148 HOW DID HE CREATE THIS LEVIATHAN? 721 00:32:13,192 --> 00:32:15,368 READ THIS BOOK INSIDE SCIENTOLOGY 722 00:32:15,411 --> 00:32:18,719 AND APPLY THOSE EVIL TACTICS TO OCCUPY, 723 00:32:18,762 --> 00:32:20,851 AND YOU HAVE A FUCKING WINNING RECIPE. 724 00:32:20,895 --> 00:32:27,249 YOU FOLLOW L. RON HUBBARD'S INTIMIDATION, 725 00:32:27,293 --> 00:32:30,905 INFILTRATION, HARASSMENT, BLACKMAIL, 726 00:32:30,949 --> 00:32:32,863 COMPLETE ABUSE OF THE LEGAL SYSTEM, 727 00:32:32,907 --> 00:32:36,737 WHERE YOU JUST TURN A CROSS-EYED STINK LOOK AT SCIENTOLOGY, 728 00:32:36,780 --> 00:32:38,739 AND THEY'LL SUE YOU INTO POVERTY. 729 00:32:38,782 --> 00:32:40,393 YOU USE THAT FOR GOOD. 730 00:32:40,436 --> 00:32:42,308 YOU KNOW WHAT L. RON HUBBARD DIDN'T HAVE 731 00:32:42,351 --> 00:32:46,616 IN HIS MASTER PLAN FOR WORLD DOMINATION? 732 00:32:46,660 --> 00:32:48,140 DRUM CIRCLE! 733 00:32:48,183 --> 00:32:50,881 IT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING! 734 00:32:50,925 --> 00:32:53,014 NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR THAT. 735 00:32:53,058 --> 00:32:54,885 IT'S ANNOYING AS SHIT. 736 00:32:54,929 --> 00:32:57,192 YOU HAD ENOUGH TIME IN A YEAR 737 00:32:57,236 --> 00:32:59,847 TO LEARN HOW TO PLAY REAL INSTRUMENTS. 738 00:32:59,890 --> 00:33:01,196 YOU COULD HAVE HAD 739 00:33:01,240 --> 00:33:03,851 A WHOLE NEW ORLEANS-STYLE JAZZ SWING BAND 740 00:33:03,894 --> 00:33:08,508 THAT PEOPLE WANT TO HEAR. 741 00:33:08,551 --> 00:33:11,076 BUT INSTEAD, WHAT? 742 00:33:11,119 --> 00:33:12,077 I'M NOT AGAINST YOU. 743 00:33:12,120 --> 00:33:14,514 I APPRECIATE THE PASSION. 744 00:33:14,557 --> 00:33:18,518 I DON'T KNOW HOW ANYONE WHO HAS A CAUSE IN LIFE 745 00:33:18,561 --> 00:33:20,302 WHERE THEY PUT THAT MUCH TIME AND EFFORT 746 00:33:20,346 --> 00:33:22,391 INTO TRYING TO CHANGE SOMETHING-- 747 00:33:22,435 --> 00:33:24,089 HOW DO YOU PICK ONE THING? 748 00:33:24,132 --> 00:33:26,439 HOW DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING 749 00:33:26,482 --> 00:33:30,747 AND LOOK AT THE BILLIONS OF THINGS THAT SUCK ON THIS PLANET? 750 00:33:30,791 --> 00:33:32,749 YOU LOG INTO YOUR YAHOO! NEWS 751 00:33:32,793 --> 00:33:35,187 AND IT'S JUST COUNTRIES YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WERE COUNTRIES 752 00:33:35,230 --> 00:33:37,406 HAVE PROBLEMS YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW EXISTED. 753 00:33:37,450 --> 00:33:39,191 HOW DO YOU PICK ONE SLIVER OF THAT 754 00:33:39,234 --> 00:33:41,106 AND DECIDE, THAT'S THE ONE. 755 00:33:41,149 --> 00:33:45,414 WE HAVE TO PRINT UP T-SHIRTS AND HAVE A CAR WASH. 756 00:33:45,458 --> 00:33:46,850 I WOULD BE SO CONFUSED. 757 00:33:46,894 --> 00:33:48,635 I WANT TO MAKE CHANGE. 758 00:33:48,678 --> 00:33:51,420 HOW DO YOU PICK SOMETHING IF IT HASN'T AFFECTED YOU? 759 00:33:51,464 --> 00:33:52,856 OH, JUVENILE DIABETES? 760 00:33:52,900 --> 00:33:54,075 WELL, I DON'T KNOW, BUT I HAVE 761 00:33:54,119 --> 00:33:55,555 LOTS OF FREE TIME DURING THE DAY. 762 00:33:55,598 --> 00:33:57,122 I GUESS I SHOULD--OH, WAIT. 763 00:33:57,165 --> 00:33:59,341 SPINA BIFIDA, AND THE GUY'S RIGHT HERE, 764 00:33:59,385 --> 00:34:00,864 AND HE'S UNCOMFORTABLE TO LOOK AT. 765 00:34:00,908 --> 00:34:03,171 SO MAYBE I'LL GO WITH THIS GUY'S CAUSE. 766 00:34:03,215 --> 00:34:07,175 AND CLITORAL CIRCUMCISION IN THE THIRD WORLD? 767 00:34:07,219 --> 00:34:10,178 I KNOW THAT GIVES ME A HANDY EXCUSE FOR NOT FINDING IT, 768 00:34:10,222 --> 00:34:13,529 BUT THAT'S SELFISH, AND I HAVE TO STOP THINKING ABOUT ME. 769 00:34:13,573 --> 00:34:17,142 AND AS SOON AS YOU FOCUS ON ONE THING, 770 00:34:17,185 --> 00:34:19,709 HERE COMES SARAH MCLACHLAN ON THE TV 771 00:34:19,753 --> 00:34:22,712 WITH THE SKINNY, SAD PUPPIES AND THE ABUSED-- 772 00:34:22,756 --> 00:34:24,975 "IN THE ARMS OF AN ANGEL." 773 00:34:25,019 --> 00:34:26,629 I DON'T KNOW WHY ANIMALS 774 00:34:26,673 --> 00:34:30,633 ALWAYS SEEM TO TRUMP ANY HUMAN CAUSE, BUT THEY DO. 775 00:34:30,677 --> 00:34:33,941 AND NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME ABOUT FUCKING CORRECTIVE RAPE, 776 00:34:33,984 --> 00:34:36,944 WHICH IS SOME WEIRD THING IN SOUTH AFRICA, YOU KNOW? 777 00:34:36,987 --> 00:34:40,078 CORRECTIVE RAPE IS WHERE THEY GANG-RAPE LESBIANS 778 00:34:40,121 --> 00:34:42,297 TO TRY TO CURE THEM, AND I WANT TO-- 779 00:34:42,341 --> 00:34:46,475 I'M BEHIND THAT, JUST TO BRING ATTENTION TO IT, 780 00:34:46,519 --> 00:34:48,956 'CAUSE THE TERM "CORRECTIVE RAPE" 781 00:34:48,999 --> 00:34:51,306 IS SUCH A GOOD COMEDY REFERENCE 782 00:34:51,350 --> 00:34:53,482 THAT I DEMAND A BIGGER LAUGH 783 00:34:53,526 --> 00:34:54,918 WHEN I MENTION CORRECTIVE RAPE, 784 00:34:54,962 --> 00:34:56,485 BUT NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT IT. 785 00:34:56,529 --> 00:34:58,574 SO, I WANT TO BRING ATTENTION TO YOUR CAUSE. 786 00:34:58,618 --> 00:35:00,141 I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW YOU PICK. 787 00:35:00,185 --> 00:35:04,754 IF I HAD ANY CAUSE OVER THE COURSE OF MY CAREER 788 00:35:04,798 --> 00:35:06,756 THAT I'VE BITCHED THE MOST ABOUT, 789 00:35:06,800 --> 00:35:09,194 IT'S OVERPOPULATION, WHICH IS THE ROOT 790 00:35:09,237 --> 00:35:11,631 OF MOST OF THE OTHER PROBLEMS YOU CARE ABOUT. 791 00:35:11,674 --> 00:35:15,504 ANTI-CHILDREN, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO SEND A CHECK. 792 00:35:15,548 --> 00:35:18,551 I DON'T KNOW. LIKE, WHAT DO YOU DO? 793 00:35:18,594 --> 00:35:20,640 THE ONLY SOLUTION THAT I'VE EVER COME UP WITH, 794 00:35:20,683 --> 00:35:24,861 WHICH I THINK IS GREAT, BUT NO ONE'S GOTTEN ON BOARD, 795 00:35:24,905 --> 00:35:28,865 INCENTIVE-BASED EUGENICS. 796 00:35:28,909 --> 00:35:32,478 EUGENICS WAS A PRACTICE OF STERILIZING PEOPLE. 797 00:35:32,521 --> 00:35:35,350 HITLER GOT A LOT OF THE CREDIT FOR IT, 798 00:35:35,394 --> 00:35:38,179 BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY DONE IN THIS COUNTRY 799 00:35:38,223 --> 00:35:42,662 LONG BEFORE HITLER EVEN KNEW WHO HE WAS MAD AT. 800 00:35:42,705 --> 00:35:46,361 WE WERE PRACTICING EUGENICS IN THIS COUNTRY. 801 00:35:46,405 --> 00:35:48,363 EUGENICS WAS THE PRACTICE 802 00:35:48,407 --> 00:35:56,371 OF FORCED STERILIZATION OF UNDESIRABLES, WHICH SOUNDS BAD. 803 00:35:56,415 --> 00:36:00,984 AND THE WAY THEY DID IT WAS BAD 'CAUSE THEY WOULD-- 804 00:36:01,028 --> 00:36:03,596 FIRST OF ALL, THE FORCE IS WRONG. 805 00:36:03,639 --> 00:36:06,381 YOU DON'T FORCE PEOPLE TO DO THINGS THEY DON'T WANT TO DO. 806 00:36:06,425 --> 00:36:10,603 AND, "B," WHO DECIDES WHO'S UNDESIRABLE? 807 00:36:10,646 --> 00:36:12,170 THEY WERE DOING IT IN THIS COUNTRY 808 00:36:12,213 --> 00:36:13,823 AT THE TURN OF THE 20TH CENTURY, 809 00:36:13,867 --> 00:36:16,261 WHICH IS THE 1900S, FOR A LOT OF MY FANS. 810 00:36:16,304 --> 00:36:18,176 EARLY 1900S. 811 00:36:18,219 --> 00:36:23,311 TO CRIMINALS, PERVERTS, WHICH IS WAY TOO VAGUE, 812 00:36:23,355 --> 00:36:26,706 THE MENTALLY ILL, MENTALLY RETARDED, 813 00:36:26,749 --> 00:36:30,405 HOMOSEXUALS, WHICH MAKES PERFECT SENSE. 814 00:36:30,449 --> 00:36:34,583 WE DON'T WANT THEM BREEDING. 815 00:36:34,627 --> 00:36:39,022 HAVE LITTLE QUEERS RUNNING ALL UP AND DOWN LIKE GREMLINS. 816 00:36:39,066 --> 00:36:41,068 BUT IF YOU TOOK AWAY THE FORCE, 817 00:36:41,111 --> 00:36:43,288 AND YOU JUST MADE IT INCENTIVE-BASED 818 00:36:43,331 --> 00:36:46,595 FOR PEOPLE WILLING TO STERILIZE THEMSELVES. 819 00:36:46,639 --> 00:36:50,120 OFFER UP SOME WHITE TRASH PRIZES. 820 00:36:50,164 --> 00:36:55,038 YOU KNOW, NASCAR PIT PASS, MEET YOUR FAVORITE DRIVER. 821 00:36:55,082 --> 00:36:57,345 ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO IS SNIP THE SAC. 822 00:36:57,389 --> 00:36:59,521 "REALLY?" 823 00:36:59,565 --> 00:37:02,655 YEAR'S SUPPLY OF SUNNY DELIGHT. 824 00:37:02,698 --> 00:37:04,526 YOU WANT SOME SUNNY D, DON'T YOU? 825 00:37:04,570 --> 00:37:07,225 ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS PUTTY UP THAT FRONT HOLE, LADY. 826 00:37:07,268 --> 00:37:09,531 YOU STILL HAVE TWO HOLES LEFT 827 00:37:09,575 --> 00:37:11,838 TO TRICK GUYS OUT OF DRINKS AT THE BAR. 828 00:37:11,881 --> 00:37:15,276 WHAT DO WE GOT TO DO? 829 00:37:15,320 --> 00:37:20,629 "ARE YOU TELLING ME, IF I CUT OFF MY BALLS, 830 00:37:20,673 --> 00:37:25,286 I'M GOING CROSSBOW HUNTING WITH TED NUGENT?" 831 00:37:25,330 --> 00:37:27,810 WELL, SHIT, YEAH. 832 00:37:27,854 --> 00:37:30,073 "NO. NO, SIR, SIR, SIR. WAIT, NO. 833 00:37:30,117 --> 00:37:32,119 "WE DON'T ACTUALLY CUT OFF YOUR BALLS. 834 00:37:32,162 --> 00:37:35,557 WE JUST MAKE A SMALL INCISION WITH A LOCAL ANESTHETIC." 835 00:37:35,601 --> 00:37:40,258 "FUCK YOU. I WANT YOU TO CUT OFF MY WHOLE BALLS. 836 00:37:40,301 --> 00:37:43,435 "I'M GONNA HANG THEM FROM MY REAR-VIEW MIRROR 837 00:37:43,478 --> 00:37:45,741 "LIKE A LUCKY RABBIT'S FOOT. 838 00:37:45,785 --> 00:37:49,267 "I'M GOING CROSSBOW HUNTING WITH THE NUGE. 839 00:37:49,310 --> 00:37:54,272 I AIN'T NEVER WON NOTHING IN MY LIFE." 840 00:38:00,539 --> 00:38:04,282 THAT'S A WORKABLE PLAN. 841 00:38:04,325 --> 00:38:07,502 CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT. 842 00:38:07,546 --> 00:38:10,592 IT JUST WON'T HAPPEN. HERE'S WHAT I THINK. 843 00:38:10,636 --> 00:38:12,551 IF YOU'RE BEHIND WHATEVER YOU'RE BEHIND, 844 00:38:12,594 --> 00:38:15,597 WE SHOULD TRIAGE ALL CHARITY. 845 00:38:15,641 --> 00:38:20,167 SO WE TAKE THE MOST IMPORTANT AND MOST EASILY SOLVED FIRST. 846 00:38:20,210 --> 00:38:23,301 EVERYONE WORKS ON THAT, AND WE'LL GET TO YOURS EVENTUALLY. 847 00:38:23,344 --> 00:38:27,435 I WOULD START WITH STARVING PEOPLE IN A WORLD FULL OF FOOD. 848 00:38:27,479 --> 00:38:31,787 THAT SEEMS EASY TO SOLVE. 849 00:38:31,831 --> 00:38:35,530 YOU DON'T NEED SCIENTISTS WITH LAB REPORTS AND YEARS, NO. 850 00:38:35,574 --> 00:38:38,838 THERE'S LOTS OF SHITLOADS OF FOOD. 851 00:38:38,881 --> 00:38:41,144 THERE'S JUST A TRANSIT PROBLEM. 852 00:38:41,188 --> 00:38:45,801 GET SOMEONE FROM FEDEX, GET THE FOOD THERE. 853 00:38:45,845 --> 00:38:49,065 WE LIVE IN A PLACE, FUCKING HORSE MEAT IS A SCANDAL. 854 00:38:49,109 --> 00:38:50,502 THEY FOUND HORSE MEAT. 855 00:38:50,545 --> 00:38:53,418 "HOW DARE--OH, MY GOD. HAVE YOU HEARD? 856 00:38:53,461 --> 00:38:58,858 "THERE WAS HORSE MEAT IN MY FROZEN, PROCESSED LASAGNA MEAL. 857 00:38:58,901 --> 00:39:04,037 HOW DARE THEY PUT A MORE LEAN AND NUTRITIONAL MEAT?" 858 00:39:04,080 --> 00:39:08,041 AND NOW WE'RE GONNA DUMP IT BY THE WAREHOUSEFULS 859 00:39:08,084 --> 00:39:09,999 IN THE GARBAGE DUMPS, 860 00:39:10,043 --> 00:39:13,351 WHILE PEOPLE ARE STARVING TO DEATH ON THIS PLANET. 861 00:39:13,394 --> 00:39:14,395 THAT MAKES NO SENSE. 862 00:39:14,439 --> 00:39:16,397 I CAN SOLVE THAT. YEAH. 863 00:39:16,441 --> 00:39:19,705 TAKE THAT FOOD AND FEED THE PEOPLE THAT DON'T HAVE IT. 864 00:39:19,748 --> 00:39:22,882 AND THEN WE GET DOWN TO THE NEXT MOST IMPORTANT 865 00:39:22,925 --> 00:39:25,406 AND THE WRONGLY ACCUSED AND THE TORTURE 866 00:39:25,450 --> 00:39:28,496 AND THE THING AND THE DISEASE AND-- 867 00:39:28,540 --> 00:39:30,237 OCCUPY IS LOWER, 868 00:39:30,280 --> 00:39:32,805 AND THEN, SAVE THE MANATEES EVEN LOWER THAN THAT. 869 00:39:32,848 --> 00:39:35,329 AND EVENTUALLY, HOPEFULLY, IN A PERFECT WORLD, 870 00:39:35,373 --> 00:39:38,724 WE'D GET DOWN TO THE BOTTOM, WHICH IS TOYS FOR TOTS. 871 00:39:38,767 --> 00:39:43,293 HOW FUCKING EMBARRASSING IS IT TO LIVE IN A COUNTRY 872 00:39:43,337 --> 00:39:45,034 WHERE TOYS FOR TOTS 873 00:39:45,078 --> 00:39:49,125 IS AN ACTUAL RECOGNIZED, LEGITIMATE CHARITY? 874 00:39:49,169 --> 00:39:53,695 GOD FORBID LITTLE DANIEL GO THROUGH SOME BOGUS HOLIDAY 875 00:39:53,739 --> 00:39:58,613 MADE FOR SOME FAKE DEITY WITHOUT LINCOLN LOGS. 876 00:39:58,657 --> 00:40:02,835 THE HORROR. THE HORROR. 877 00:40:02,878 --> 00:40:06,055 THAT'S WHY THEY HAVE TO HAVE MARINES AND BIKERS 878 00:40:06,099 --> 00:40:09,711 ENFORCE THAT SHIT LIKE HENCHMEN. 879 00:40:09,755 --> 00:40:11,409 'CAUSE OTHERWISE, YOU'D JUST GO, "FUCK YOU. 880 00:40:11,452 --> 00:40:13,585 TOYS? THERE'S STARVING PEOPLE." 881 00:40:13,628 --> 00:40:16,022 AND THEN SOME BIG, FUCKING, CREW-CUT GUY. 882 00:40:16,065 --> 00:40:18,154 "I FUCKING FOUGHT FOR YOUR FREEDOM! 883 00:40:18,198 --> 00:40:21,593 GIVE ME A GODDAMNED LEGO FOR THE KID!" 884 00:40:25,858 --> 00:40:28,295 IT'S GONNA BE TOUGH. 885 00:40:34,562 --> 00:40:39,524 WHATEVER YOUR CAUSE, YOUR CHARITY, OR YOUR DRIVE, 886 00:40:39,567 --> 00:40:42,527 YOUR EFFORT, AUDIT IT. 887 00:40:42,570 --> 00:40:46,444 MAKE SURE, 'CAUSE SO MUCH OF IT IS SYMBOLISM OVER SUBSTANCE, 888 00:40:46,487 --> 00:40:50,273 WHERE PEOPLE THINK THEY'RE HELPING BY DOING NOTHING. 889 00:40:50,317 --> 00:40:54,016 AUDIT ALL THE TIME AND EFFORT, AND SEE IF YOU'RE ACTUALLY 890 00:40:54,060 --> 00:40:56,758 AFFECTING CHANGE RATHER THAN JUST, 891 00:40:56,802 --> 00:41:00,675 "OH, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A 10K FUN RUN FOR THE CURE. 892 00:41:00,719 --> 00:41:02,372 "COME ON DOWN ON SUNDAY. 893 00:41:02,416 --> 00:41:05,114 IT'S A 10K FUN RUN FOR THE CURE." 894 00:41:05,158 --> 00:41:06,899 WHY? WHY? 895 00:41:06,942 --> 00:41:09,205 WHEN HAS RUNNING EVER CURED ANYTHING? 896 00:41:09,249 --> 00:41:12,426 I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE CAUSE AND EFFECT ON THIS. 897 00:41:12,470 --> 00:41:15,298 IS THAT HOW JONAS SALK CURED POLIO, 898 00:41:15,342 --> 00:41:18,214 IS BY SPEED-WALKING AROUND THE TRACK 899 00:41:18,258 --> 00:41:22,784 DOWN AT ST. MARY'S HIGH SCHOOL WITH A WIFE BEATER ON 900 00:41:22,828 --> 00:41:25,526 AND A PAPER NUMBER SAFETY-PINNED TO HIS BACK? 901 00:41:25,570 --> 00:41:27,615 "OH, WE'RE DOING IT FOR THE CURE." 902 00:41:27,659 --> 00:41:29,095 HOW ARE YOU CURING ANYTHING? 903 00:41:29,138 --> 00:41:31,271 "WELL, WHAT I DO IS I GET SPONSORS. 904 00:41:31,314 --> 00:41:34,013 "AND EVERY TIME I GO AROUND THE TRACK ANOTHER TIME, 905 00:41:34,056 --> 00:41:37,364 "MY SPONSOR GIVES ME ANOTHER QUARTER FOR THE CURE. 906 00:41:37,407 --> 00:41:40,149 SO I'VE GOT TO GO AS MANY TIMES AS I..." 907 00:41:40,193 --> 00:41:44,197 ARE YOUR FRIENDS THAT SICK AND SADOMASOCHISTIC 908 00:41:44,240 --> 00:41:47,026 THAT THEY WOULDN'T JUST CUT YOU A CHECK OUTRIGHT 909 00:41:47,069 --> 00:41:49,158 FOR THE CURE? 910 00:41:49,202 --> 00:41:53,423 THEY MAKE YOU DO WEIRD SHIT FIRST? 911 00:41:53,467 --> 00:41:57,558 "LARRY, YOU KNOW MY DAUGHTER WAS BORN WITH CEREBRAL PALSY. 912 00:41:57,602 --> 00:42:00,126 AND WE'RE TRYING TO GET A BIG FUNDRAISER GOING." 913 00:42:00,169 --> 00:42:02,345 "REALLY?" "YEAH. 914 00:42:02,389 --> 00:42:06,524 "HOW MANY HARD-BOILED EGGS WILL YOU EAT? 915 00:42:06,567 --> 00:42:08,482 "COME ON. COME ON. 916 00:42:08,526 --> 00:42:11,267 YOU LOVE YOUR KID, RIGHT? COME ON." 917 00:42:11,311 --> 00:42:14,270 NO, THEY WOULD CUT YOU A CHECK OUTRIGHT, 918 00:42:14,314 --> 00:42:16,577 BUT YOU'RE THAT MUCH OF A FUCKING MEGALOMANIAC 919 00:42:16,621 --> 00:42:19,014 THAT YOU HAVE TO MAKE THE CURE ABOUT YOU. 920 00:42:19,058 --> 00:42:20,712 YOU NEED SPOTLIGHT IN THIS. 921 00:42:20,755 --> 00:42:22,061 YOU COULD JUST GET A CHECK, 922 00:42:22,104 --> 00:42:24,150 BUT NO ONE'S GONNA FUCKING BE, 923 00:42:24,193 --> 00:42:27,109 "OH, NO. YOU KNOW, THE TRUTH IS, I DO THIS SAME SPEED WALK 924 00:42:27,153 --> 00:42:29,242 "AT ST. MARY'S EVERY MORNING AT 6:30 925 00:42:29,285 --> 00:42:31,766 "BEFORE WORK WITH MY LABRADOR, SHEBA. 926 00:42:31,810 --> 00:42:33,594 "TRYING TO SHED A FEW POUNDS, YOU KNOW. 927 00:42:33,638 --> 00:42:37,032 "BUT NO ONE CLAPS FOR ME THEN AND CALLS ME HEROIC. 928 00:42:37,076 --> 00:42:39,382 "SO I'M GONNA DO IT ON SUNDAY AFTERNOON FOR THE CURE, 929 00:42:39,426 --> 00:42:42,864 AND EVERYONE'S GONNA GO, 'GO, RAY, GO!'" 930 00:42:42,908 --> 00:42:45,127 YEAH, YOU COULD DO IT, BUT YOU WANT TO FUCKING-- 931 00:42:45,171 --> 00:42:50,263 IT'S A 10K FUN RUN ABOUT YOU, YOU FUCKING MEGALOMANIAC. 932 00:42:50,306 --> 00:42:52,482 STOP IT. YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT DOING SHIT. 933 00:42:52,526 --> 00:42:54,267 YOU COULD JUST GET THE CHECK FROM YOUR FRIEND 934 00:42:54,310 --> 00:42:55,660 AND THEN ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING 935 00:42:55,703 --> 00:42:57,575 THAT MEANS SOMETHING OTHER THAN RUNNING. 936 00:42:57,618 --> 00:43:01,404 "WE'RE GETTING DONATIONS, AND WE'RE PETITIONING CITY HALL 937 00:43:01,448 --> 00:43:05,234 "FOR A SPOT IN THE PARK TO MAKE A BIG, GRANITE SLAB 938 00:43:05,278 --> 00:43:06,888 "FOR THE VICTIMS AND THE SUFFERERS 939 00:43:06,932 --> 00:43:08,673 "AND THE SURVIVORS OF THE THING. 940 00:43:08,716 --> 00:43:11,850 "AND THEN WE'RE GONNA PAINSTAKINGLY ETCH EACH NAME 941 00:43:11,893 --> 00:43:15,244 OF THE PEOPLE INTO THE STONE AT GREAT EXPENSE." 942 00:43:15,288 --> 00:43:17,072 FOR WHAT? IT'S A FUCKING CHUNK OF ROCK. 943 00:43:17,116 --> 00:43:18,508 IT DOESN'T HELP. 944 00:43:18,552 --> 00:43:19,988 PUT THAT TIME AND EFFORT AND MONEY 945 00:43:20,032 --> 00:43:21,468 INTO ACTUALLY SOMETHING 946 00:43:21,511 --> 00:43:23,601 THAT'S CALCULATED THAT ACTUALLY HELPS. 947 00:43:23,644 --> 00:43:25,994 "WE'RE GONNA KNIT A SARS QUILT. 948 00:43:26,038 --> 00:43:30,999 "IT'S GONNA TAKE ALL SUMMER LONG. 949 00:43:31,043 --> 00:43:33,001 "'CAUSE THERE'S PEOPLE WITH SARS, 950 00:43:33,045 --> 00:43:35,134 AND THEY'RE CHILLY WITH SARS, AND THEY NEED A QUILT." 951 00:43:35,177 --> 00:43:36,439 WHAT? 952 00:43:36,483 --> 00:43:38,920 "WE'RE GONNA HAVE A PRAYER CIRCLE. 953 00:43:38,964 --> 00:43:42,184 WE'RE GONNA HAVE A CANDLELIGHT VIGIL AT MIDNIGHT." 954 00:43:42,228 --> 00:43:46,058 COULD YOU DO LESS? MATHEMATICALLY. 955 00:43:46,101 --> 00:43:48,451 ASK YOUR ACCOUNTANT IF THERE'S ANY WAY 956 00:43:48,495 --> 00:43:52,151 YOU COULD DO ANY LESS THAN THAT. 957 00:43:52,194 --> 00:43:54,544 "WELL, WE ARE RAISING AWARENESS." 958 00:43:54,588 --> 00:43:58,461 RAISING AWARENESS IS ANOTHER FORM OF DOING NOTHING. 959 00:43:58,505 --> 00:44:01,900 ONLY NOW YOU'RE MAKING ME AWARE THAT THE NOTHING 960 00:44:01,943 --> 00:44:04,511 THAT I'VE BEEN DOING IS NOT UP TO PAR 961 00:44:04,554 --> 00:44:06,295 WITH THE NOTHING THAT YOU'RE DOING 962 00:44:06,339 --> 00:44:09,516 FOR SUCH A NOBLE CAUSE. 963 00:44:09,559 --> 00:44:12,171 WHY DON'T YOU DO MY NOTHING FOR YOUR CAUSE? 964 00:44:12,214 --> 00:44:15,217 WE'LL WATCH STORAGE WARS FOR THE CURE, 965 00:44:15,261 --> 00:44:21,397 AND THEN WE'LL BOTH BE HAPPY IN OUR IMPOTENCE. 966 00:44:21,441 --> 00:44:25,967 AND WE'LL FIND OUT WHAT'S IN THAT SAFE. 967 00:44:26,011 --> 00:44:27,621 WE ALL WIN. 968 00:44:27,665 --> 00:44:32,234 RAISING AWARENESS IS ME STANDING NEXT TO A DRAINAGE DITCH 969 00:44:32,278 --> 00:44:36,761 WHERE A GUY JUST HIT A GOAT WITH HIS MOPED ON THE HIGHWAY. 970 00:44:36,804 --> 00:44:38,153 AND NOW THEY'RE IN THE DITCH, 971 00:44:38,197 --> 00:44:41,548 LAYING IN THE MUCK WITH COMPOUND FRACTURES. 972 00:44:41,591 --> 00:44:44,464 AND THE DUDE'S GOT A BONE STICKING THROUGH HIS LEG. 973 00:44:44,507 --> 00:44:47,510 AND THE FUCKING GOAT'S GOT A BONE STICKING THROUGH HIS FUR. 974 00:44:47,554 --> 00:44:49,687 THEY'RE BOTH LAYING THERE IN AGONY. 975 00:44:49,730 --> 00:44:53,691 AND I'M RAISING AWARENESS BY STANDING ABOVE THEM, 976 00:44:53,734 --> 00:45:03,701 SHOUTING DOWN AN EMPTY HIGHWAY, "LOOK! LOOK! EWW! 977 00:45:04,571 --> 00:45:08,183 EWW, LOOK. OOH." 978 00:45:08,227 --> 00:45:10,490 AND THEY'RE GOING, "NO, HELP." 979 00:45:10,533 --> 00:45:14,015 AND I'M GOING, "NO, NO, NO. LOOK!" 980 00:45:14,059 --> 00:45:17,932 IT'S WAY EASIER TO JUST LOOK. 981 00:45:17,976 --> 00:45:22,371 ARE YOU AWARE OF BREAST CANCER? 982 00:45:22,415 --> 00:45:24,591 FUCKING THE ENTIRE MONTH OF OCTOBER 983 00:45:24,634 --> 00:45:26,636 IS BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH. 984 00:45:26,680 --> 00:45:30,553 THE ENTIRE COUNTRY TURNS PINK SO YOU CAN'T NOT BE AWARE. 985 00:45:30,597 --> 00:45:33,382 ALL YOUR PRODUCTS, YOU GO TO THE GROCERY STORE. 986 00:45:33,426 --> 00:45:35,907 "USUALLY I BUY THE PROGRESSO SOUP. 987 00:45:35,950 --> 00:45:38,300 "BUT THIS MONTH, I'M GONNA GET THE ONE WITH THE PINK RIBBON, 988 00:45:38,344 --> 00:45:42,652 "SO I KNOW THAT I'VE DONE ALL I CAN TO HELP MY FELLOW MAN. 989 00:45:42,696 --> 00:45:45,220 "I DON'T READ THE FINE PRINT THAT SAYS, 990 00:45:45,264 --> 00:45:50,269 ".000001 CENTS OF EVERY CAN 991 00:45:50,312 --> 00:45:53,272 UP TO A VERY MINIMAL AMOUNT GOES TO--" 992 00:45:53,315 --> 00:45:56,579 OH, IT ACTUALLY GOES NOWHERE NEAR A TITTY, EVER, AT ALL. 993 00:45:56,623 --> 00:45:58,146 IT GOES TO MORE PROMOTIONAL MATERIAL 994 00:45:58,190 --> 00:45:59,887 ASKING FOR MORE MONEY 995 00:45:59,931 --> 00:46:03,151 AND TO GIVE VERY DUBIOUS MEDICAL ADVICE 996 00:46:03,195 --> 00:46:05,980 WHERE A LOT OF TITTIES GET CHOPPED OFF THAT DIDN'T NEED TO 997 00:46:06,024 --> 00:46:07,852 BECAUSE WE'RE AN INDUSTRY, NOT A CHARITY ANYMORE. 998 00:46:07,895 --> 00:46:09,636 I DON'T READ THAT PART. 999 00:46:09,679 --> 00:46:12,770 I JUST SEE THE PINK RIBBON AND KNOW THAT I'M HELPING. 1000 00:46:15,816 --> 00:46:18,906 YOU'VE DESTROYED THE COLOR PINK. 1001 00:46:18,950 --> 00:46:20,603 THERE'S NO NEED FOR THAT. 1002 00:46:20,647 --> 00:46:23,693 I LIKE THE COLOR PINK, AND YOU'VE RUINED IT. 1003 00:46:23,737 --> 00:46:25,608 YOU SEE PINK, THAT'S ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT. 1004 00:46:25,652 --> 00:46:27,785 I HAVE A PINK BEDROOM. MY BEDROOM IS PINK. 1005 00:46:27,828 --> 00:46:29,787 I CAN'T SLEEP IN IT DURING OCTOBER 1006 00:46:29,830 --> 00:46:32,093 'CAUSE YOU JUST SEE THE COLOR, AND ALL YOU THINK ABOUT 1007 00:46:32,137 --> 00:46:34,356 IS GIANT, METASTASIZING TITTIES 1008 00:46:34,400 --> 00:46:37,533 SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF SOME POOR WOMAN. 1009 00:46:37,577 --> 00:46:39,666 WHY DO YOU FUCK UP A COLOR? 1010 00:46:39,709 --> 00:46:42,321 ASSOCIATE IT WITH SOMETHING ELSE THAT'S NEGATIVE. 1011 00:46:42,364 --> 00:46:43,975 YOU KNOW, "TRAFFIC AND WEATHER BROUGHT TO YOU 1012 00:46:44,018 --> 00:46:46,847 "AT THE TOP OF THE HOUR ON FUCKING 620 AM. 1013 00:46:46,891 --> 00:46:48,501 "HEY, TRAFFIC SUCKS AGAIN. 1014 00:46:48,544 --> 00:46:51,460 THIS IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY BREAST CANCER." 1015 00:46:51,504 --> 00:46:53,419 AND THAT WAY, NEXT TIME YOU'RE STUCK IN TRAFFIC, 1016 00:46:53,462 --> 00:46:54,812 YOU GO, "OH, WOW. FUCK. 1017 00:46:54,855 --> 00:46:56,726 "THIS SUCKS, BUT NOT AS BAD AS CANCER. 1018 00:46:56,770 --> 00:46:58,990 MAYBE I SHOULD TRY TO HELP." 1019 00:46:59,033 --> 00:47:00,687 DON'T FUCK UP A COLOR. 1020 00:47:00,730 --> 00:47:02,254 DO YOU WATCH FOOTBALL? 1021 00:47:02,297 --> 00:47:04,604 THIS IS WHERE IT WENT TOO FAR WITH ME. 1022 00:47:04,647 --> 00:47:07,476 THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE PARTICIPATES 1023 00:47:07,520 --> 00:47:09,870 IN BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH. 1024 00:47:09,914 --> 00:47:12,699 FIRST OF ALL, WHY IS IT BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH 1025 00:47:12,742 --> 00:47:16,529 RATHER THAN CANCER AWARENESS MONTH? 1026 00:47:16,572 --> 00:47:19,053 I ASSUME IF YOU CURE BREAST CANCER, 1027 00:47:19,097 --> 00:47:22,970 THAT WOULD CURE ASS CANCER AND FACE CANCER AND SHIT CANCER. 1028 00:47:23,014 --> 00:47:25,277 IT'S CANCER. 1029 00:47:25,320 --> 00:47:28,236 'CAUSE TITTIES SELL TICKETS, STUPID! 1030 00:47:28,280 --> 00:47:30,238 OKAY, I FORGET THE MARKETING ANGLE. 1031 00:47:30,282 --> 00:47:31,849 MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT ON THAT. 1032 00:47:31,892 --> 00:47:36,505 STILL, THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE PARTICIPATES 1033 00:47:36,549 --> 00:47:39,508 WITH THE PINK GLOVES AND JUST PINK ON THE PLAYERS. 1034 00:47:39,552 --> 00:47:43,861 WHERE IF YOU THINK FOOTBALL IS STUPID, YOU'RE RIGHT. 1035 00:47:43,904 --> 00:47:46,602 BUT IT'S MY STUPID. 1036 00:47:46,646 --> 00:47:48,387 YOU HAVE YOUR STUPID. 1037 00:47:48,430 --> 00:47:51,694 YOU CAN JUDGE ME IN SPORTS. YOU HAVE YOUR OWN STUPID. 1038 00:47:51,738 --> 00:47:53,522 YOU PLAY WORLD OF WARCRAFT 1039 00:47:53,566 --> 00:47:55,742 OR YOU DO RENAISSANCE FESTIVALS 1040 00:47:55,785 --> 00:47:57,178 OR YOU FUCKING WIN 1041 00:47:57,222 --> 00:47:59,920 BRIAN DOYLE MURRAY LOOK-ALIKE COMPETITIONS 1042 00:47:59,964 --> 00:48:03,402 OR FUCKING DO... 1043 00:48:03,445 --> 00:48:05,883 YOU GROW ORGANIC APPLES 1044 00:48:05,926 --> 00:48:08,711 AND SELL THEM AT THE FARMER'S MARKET. 1045 00:48:08,755 --> 00:48:13,194 YOU LEARN HOW TO SPEAK ITALIAN ON THE ROSETTA STONE 1046 00:48:13,238 --> 00:48:15,283 SO ONE DAY YOU CAN IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS 1047 00:48:15,327 --> 00:48:17,546 BY ORDERING IN ITALIAN AT A RESTAURANT 1048 00:48:17,590 --> 00:48:19,984 AND THE FUCKING WAITER AT OLIVE GARDEN LOOKS AT YOU GOING, 1049 00:48:20,027 --> 00:48:22,987 'I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, DUDE." 1050 00:48:23,030 --> 00:48:25,772 WHATEVER YOU DO, FOOTBALL IS MY STUPID. 1051 00:48:25,815 --> 00:48:29,732 THAT'S WHAT I DO FOR A FEW HOURS ON A WEEKEND 1052 00:48:29,776 --> 00:48:33,562 IN THE FALL TO FORGET HOW MUCH I HATE MYSELF. 1053 00:48:33,606 --> 00:48:36,739 I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT BREAST CANCER 1054 00:48:36,783 --> 00:48:41,135 WHILE I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL TO GET AWAY FROM THIS. 1055 00:48:41,179 --> 00:48:43,616 IT'S HARD ENOUGH TO WATCH FOOTBALL AS IT IS, 1056 00:48:43,659 --> 00:48:44,965 IF YOU'RE A FAN, 1057 00:48:45,009 --> 00:48:47,968 WITHOUT CONSTANTLY THINKING ABOUT AIDS. 1058 00:48:48,012 --> 00:48:50,753 YOU HAVE TO PUSH THAT OUT OF YOUR HEAD. 1059 00:48:50,797 --> 00:48:53,756 INHERENTLY, IF YOU'RE A FAN OF THE GAME, 1060 00:48:53,800 --> 00:48:57,282 WITH THE TECHNOLOGY THAT THEY HAVE NOW, 1061 00:48:57,325 --> 00:49:00,198 YOU WATCH MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL OR SUPER BOWL, 1062 00:49:00,241 --> 00:49:03,462 THEY HAVE CAMERAS NOW THAT COME DOWN ON CABLES 1063 00:49:03,505 --> 00:49:06,334 RIGHT OVER THE FIELD, LIKE RIGHT OVER THE PLAYERS' HEADS, 1064 00:49:06,378 --> 00:49:08,467 ALMOST TOUCHING THEM. 1065 00:49:08,510 --> 00:49:12,297 YOU HAVE 60 INCHES OF HIGH DEFINITION. 1066 00:49:12,340 --> 00:49:18,607 YOU HAVE A CAMERA PANNING AROUND 11 MEN BENT UP IN A HUDDLE, 1067 00:49:18,651 --> 00:49:23,786 PRESENTING THESE BEAUTIFUL, THICK MAN-ASSES. 1068 00:49:23,830 --> 00:49:26,746 AND IT'S ZOOMING IN ON EACH ONE. 1069 00:49:26,789 --> 00:49:31,055 AND IT CREATES THIS BANGKOK WHOREHOUSE SCENARIO 1070 00:49:31,098 --> 00:49:32,491 IN YOUR BRAIN. 1071 00:49:32,534 --> 00:49:34,623 YOU FEEL A LITTLE TUGGLE IN YOUR SWEATPANTS. 1072 00:49:34,667 --> 00:49:36,190 AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH. 1073 00:49:36,234 --> 00:49:39,193 WHAT IF THEY WERE BEHIND GLASS IN PHUKET?" 1074 00:49:39,237 --> 00:49:43,502 WHICH ONE WOULD I SELECT FOR MY EVENING'S ENTERTAINMENT 1075 00:49:43,545 --> 00:49:45,547 FROM THE CAMBODIAN GUY THAT RUNS THE PLACE, 1076 00:49:45,591 --> 00:49:46,940 AND HE'S GOT AN EYE PATCH. 1077 00:49:46,984 --> 00:49:48,811 AND I GO, "CHING DAI BO DAH!" 1078 00:49:48,855 --> 00:49:51,205 AND HE PULLS THE GUY OUT. NUMBER 28. 1079 00:49:51,249 --> 00:49:52,859 I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ALL THE GUYS, 1080 00:49:52,902 --> 00:49:54,948 AND I IMPULSE-BUY ON 28. 1081 00:49:54,992 --> 00:50:00,475 HE'S A HALFBACK WITH THESE SINEWY HORSE HAUNCHES, 1082 00:50:00,519 --> 00:50:02,695 LEANING INTO ME, AND IN MY MIND, 1083 00:50:02,738 --> 00:50:05,306 BEFORE I CAN MAKE A RATIONAL DECISION, 1084 00:50:05,350 --> 00:50:08,092 I'VE ALREADY LEAPED OVER THE RAILING AT THE FIELD. 1085 00:50:08,135 --> 00:50:11,138 I'M STREAKING BUTT-NAKED ACROSS THE FIELD, 1086 00:50:11,182 --> 00:50:14,837 WEARING NOTHING BUT A-- WEARING AN 1800S NIGHTCAP 1087 00:50:14,881 --> 00:50:17,405 THAT'S STRIPED WITH A POM-POM. 1088 00:50:17,449 --> 00:50:18,841 I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT. 1089 00:50:18,885 --> 00:50:20,234 BUT I'M WEARING FLIP-FLOPS 1090 00:50:20,278 --> 00:50:21,844 'CAUSE THEY MAKE YOU RUN FUNNIER. 1091 00:50:21,888 --> 00:50:24,282 BUT MY DICK IS SLAPPING UP AND DOWN 1092 00:50:24,325 --> 00:50:25,892 AGAINST MY BELLY. 1093 00:50:25,935 --> 00:50:27,459 YOU MAKE YOU DICK HOWEVER BIG YOU WANT IT TO BE. 1094 00:50:27,502 --> 00:50:28,808 IT'S YOUR FANTASY. 1095 00:50:28,851 --> 00:50:31,419 HAVE YOUR DICK SLAPPING YOUR CHEST. 1096 00:50:31,463 --> 00:50:33,856 HAVE YOUR DICK TAKE A TOOTH OUT ON THE WAY TO THE HUDDLE. 1097 00:50:33,900 --> 00:50:35,336 IT DOESN'T MATTER. 1098 00:50:35,380 --> 00:50:39,036 JUST GET TO 28 AND YANK HIM OUT OF THE HUDDLE 1099 00:50:39,079 --> 00:50:41,429 AND PIN HIM TO THE GROUND. 1100 00:50:41,473 --> 00:50:43,170 HOLD HIM DOWN WITH ONE ELBOW. 1101 00:50:43,214 --> 00:50:44,519 PEEL THOSE... 1102 00:50:44,563 --> 00:50:45,868 THEY WEAR THESE LITTLE LYCRA PANTS. 1103 00:50:45,912 --> 00:50:48,349 THEY'RE SO FUCKING GORGEOUS. 1104 00:50:48,393 --> 00:50:51,439 AND YOU JUST PEEL THEM OFF HIM. AND HE'S SWEATY. 1105 00:50:51,483 --> 00:50:55,269 THEY'RE JUST GOING TO SLIDE OFF LIKE A WET BAND-AID. 1106 00:50:55,313 --> 00:50:57,141 DON'T FUCK WITH THE JOCKSTRAP. 1107 00:50:57,184 --> 00:50:59,143 IT'S NO OBSTACLE TO THE ASSHOLE. 1108 00:50:59,186 --> 00:51:00,883 YOU'LL WASTE YOUR TIME. 1109 00:51:00,927 --> 00:51:02,276 PLUS, THE LITTLE STRAPS 1110 00:51:02,320 --> 00:51:05,540 KEEP THE ASS CHEEK UP AND FOCUSED. 1111 00:51:05,584 --> 00:51:08,891 STEAM COMES OFF HIS ASS. 1112 00:51:08,935 --> 00:51:10,154 GET YOUR FACE IN THERE. 1113 00:51:10,197 --> 00:51:11,807 YOU HUFF THAT STEAM. 1114 00:51:11,851 --> 00:51:14,593 YOU HUFF IT LIKE A GASSY RAG. 1115 00:51:14,636 --> 00:51:16,377 INHALE HIS ESSENCE. 1116 00:51:16,421 --> 00:51:18,988 AND YOU PEEL THOSE ASS CHEEKS APART 1117 00:51:19,032 --> 00:51:20,468 WITH YOUR THUMBNAILS 1118 00:51:20,512 --> 00:51:25,299 LIKE YOUR CRACKING A CAGE-FREE, FARM-FRESH EGG. 1119 00:51:25,343 --> 00:51:27,997 AND YOU TAKE YOUR DICK. 1120 00:51:28,041 --> 00:51:30,261 DON'T STAB HIM WITH IT RIGHT AWAY. 1121 00:51:30,304 --> 00:51:33,133 TEASE HIM WITH IT. HERE WE GO. 1122 00:51:33,177 --> 00:51:38,182 IN AND UP, ASSHOLE TO TAILBONE, PEOPLE. 1123 00:51:38,225 --> 00:51:41,185 ASSHOLE TO TAILBONE. 1124 00:51:41,228 --> 00:51:42,534 WATCH HIM STRUGGLE. 1125 00:51:42,577 --> 00:51:44,144 HE KNOWS IT'S GONNA HAPPEN. 1126 00:51:44,188 --> 00:51:45,624 HE DOESN'T KNOW WHEN. 1127 00:51:45,667 --> 00:51:47,104 AH, AH, AH, OH. 1128 00:51:47,147 --> 00:51:49,410 ASSHOLE TO TAILBONE. 1129 00:51:49,454 --> 00:51:51,586 PULL ON HIS FACE MASK A BIT. 1130 00:51:51,630 --> 00:51:53,066 TWIST HIS NECK. 1131 00:51:53,110 --> 00:51:56,504 PULL ON HIS DREADLOCKS. 1132 00:51:56,548 --> 00:51:57,984 AND THESE ARE NOT 1133 00:51:58,027 --> 00:52:00,769 OCCUPY WALL STREET DREADLOCKS, BY THE WAY. 1134 00:52:00,813 --> 00:52:02,423 THIS IS A BLACK DUDE. 1135 00:52:02,467 --> 00:52:04,338 THIS IS STRAIGHT UP RACISM. 1136 00:52:04,382 --> 00:52:06,035 THIS IS A HATE CRIME. 1137 00:52:06,079 --> 00:52:12,346 BECAUSE YOU ARE PRETTY SURE THAT YOUR EX-WIFE 1138 00:52:12,390 --> 00:52:14,522 USED TO FANTASIZE ABOUT THIS GUY 1139 00:52:14,566 --> 00:52:16,220 DOING SIMILAR SHIT TO HER. 1140 00:52:16,263 --> 00:52:18,352 YOU KNEW IT. OH, YEAH. 1141 00:52:18,396 --> 00:52:19,658 YOU WANT TO DO THAT TO MY WIFE? 1142 00:52:19,701 --> 00:52:21,355 YOU'LL NEVER GET A THICKER BONER 1143 00:52:21,399 --> 00:52:24,880 THAN THAT ANGRY, RACIST, JEALOUSY BONER. 1144 00:52:24,924 --> 00:52:26,578 VEINS ARE COMING OUT OF THE HEAD, 1145 00:52:26,621 --> 00:52:28,014 AND NOTHING MAKES YOU CRAZIER 1146 00:52:28,057 --> 00:52:29,755 THAN WHEN YOU GET THAT BONER 1147 00:52:29,798 --> 00:52:33,672 AND YOU JUST JAM IT IN HIM LIKE A FAT SALAMANDER 1148 00:52:33,715 --> 00:52:34,803 AND YOU RIDE. 1149 00:52:34,847 --> 00:52:36,022 YOU DO THAT PORN ANGLE, 1150 00:52:36,065 --> 00:52:37,806 WHERE YOU BEND YOUR DICK DOWN 1151 00:52:37,850 --> 00:52:40,548 AND DO DEEP KNEE BENDS SO YOU CAN LOOK AT THE PEOPLE. 1152 00:52:40,592 --> 00:52:45,205 YOU HAVE--55,000 PEOPLE ARE NOW OUT OF THEIR CHAIRS, 1153 00:52:45,249 --> 00:52:47,860 ON THEIR FEET, CHANTING FOR YOU. 1154 00:52:47,903 --> 00:52:49,383 THEY LOVE YOU. 1155 00:52:49,427 --> 00:52:53,257 THEY'RE LIKE, "FUCK THAT GUY! FUCK THAT GUY!" 1156 00:52:53,300 --> 00:52:55,084 THIS IS HIS HOME FIELD, 1157 00:52:55,128 --> 00:52:57,174 AND THEY'RE ON YOUR SIDE, ALL OF A SUDDEN. 1158 00:52:57,217 --> 00:52:59,872 "FUCK THAT DUDE, YEAH!" THEY'RE SPILLING BEER. 1159 00:52:59,915 --> 00:53:02,831 YOU FEEL THE RUBBER START TO SLIDE OFF OF YOU, 1160 00:53:02,875 --> 00:53:04,224 BUT YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT. 1161 00:53:04,268 --> 00:53:05,747 THIS IS MY DAY. 1162 00:53:05,791 --> 00:53:07,749 THEY LOVE ME. 1163 00:53:07,793 --> 00:53:10,404 I'M GOING TO LAUNCH RAINBOWS OF CUM 1164 00:53:10,448 --> 00:53:12,406 INTO THIS BROKEN MOTHERFUCKER. 1165 00:53:12,450 --> 00:53:14,060 AND YOU DO. 1166 00:53:14,103 --> 00:53:16,193 YOU'RE NOT EVEN DONE COMING WHEN YOU PULL OUT. 1167 00:53:16,236 --> 00:53:18,499 YOUR DICK'S JUST STILL FIRE-HOSING, 1168 00:53:18,543 --> 00:53:20,414 SWAYING BACK AND FORTH, 1169 00:53:20,458 --> 00:53:23,548 GETTING RID OF THE LAST OF THE SPURTS. 1170 00:53:23,591 --> 00:53:26,942 AND YOU HAVE AN END ZONE CELEBRATION DANCE 1171 00:53:26,986 --> 00:53:29,293 THAT YOU'VE WORKED OUT IN THE HALLWAY MIRROR ALL SEASON. 1172 00:53:29,336 --> 00:53:32,905 LITTLE OLD-SCHOOL ICKEY SHUFFLE THING. 1173 00:53:32,948 --> 00:53:36,082 AND YOU SPIKE THE BALL RIGHT NEXT TO HIS HEAD. 1174 00:53:36,125 --> 00:53:39,520 HE'S BLUBBERING, LIKE, SNOT BUBBLES, AND CRYING. 1175 00:53:39,564 --> 00:53:41,914 HE'S NOT EVEN MAKING AN ATTEMPT TO GET UP. 1176 00:53:41,957 --> 00:53:47,049 HIS ASSHOLE IS STILL DILATED AND SPASMING. 1177 00:53:47,093 --> 00:53:53,317 HIS ASSHOLE IS WINKING LIKE A CYCLOPS IN A RAINSTORM, 1178 00:53:53,360 --> 00:54:00,759 JUST TRYING TO REGAIN ITS ORIGINAL SHAPE. 1179 00:54:00,802 --> 00:54:05,242 ONE MILKY TEAR IS DRIPPING DOWN THE TAINT. 1180 00:54:05,285 --> 00:54:08,027 IT'S CRYING FOR YOU. 1181 00:54:11,378 --> 00:54:16,078 AND YOU FLOAT OUT OF THIS PERFECT SUNDAY AFTERNOON 1182 00:54:16,122 --> 00:54:21,345 AND THIS PERFECT DAYDREAM, BACK INTO THE STARK REALITY OF, 1183 00:54:21,388 --> 00:54:25,479 IT'S JUST YOU WITH SOME BLOATED, POST MIDDLE-AGE DUDE WITH-- 1184 00:54:25,523 --> 00:54:29,788 YOU'VE GOT LUMPS OF YELLOWED GUMMY CUM IN YOUR GUT HAIR. 1185 00:54:29,831 --> 00:54:31,137 AND YOU LOOK AROUND. 1186 00:54:31,180 --> 00:54:37,230 YOU FEEL IMMEDIATE REMORSE AND SHAME. 1187 00:54:37,274 --> 00:54:44,106 I LET THE RUBBER COME OFF INSIDE OF THAT GUY. 1188 00:54:44,150 --> 00:54:50,243 HOW IRRESPONSIBLE IS THAT, KNOWING WHAT WE KNOW TODAY, 1189 00:54:50,287 --> 00:54:53,028 TO JUST BAREBACK FUCK A GUY. 1190 00:54:53,072 --> 00:54:55,335 I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT GUY'S BEEN. 1191 00:54:55,379 --> 00:54:58,295 I KNOW WHERE HE'S GOING. HE'S GOING INTO FREE AGENCY. 1192 00:54:58,338 --> 00:55:00,949 HE'S FUCKING 32 NOW. HE'S GOT SHIT KNEES. 1193 00:55:00,993 --> 00:55:04,126 HE'S LUCKY IF HE'S WARMING A BENCH IN JACKSONVILLE. 1194 00:55:04,170 --> 00:55:05,911 BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE'S BEEN. 1195 00:55:05,954 --> 00:55:07,782 TO JUST BAREBACK FUCK THE GUY. 1196 00:55:07,826 --> 00:55:13,222 I COULD HAVE FANTASY AIDS AS WE SPEAK, 1197 00:55:13,266 --> 00:55:17,226 AND I'M GONNA DO IT AGAIN. 1198 00:55:17,270 --> 00:55:20,142 AND AS YOU'RE DEALING WITH THIS, YOU WANT TO ESCAPE. 1199 00:55:20,186 --> 00:55:22,014 YOU LOOK AT THE TV. PINK SHOES. 1200 00:55:22,057 --> 00:55:26,192 I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT BREAST CANCER ON TOP OF THIS PROBLEM? 1201 00:55:26,235 --> 00:55:32,546 YOU'RE RUINING THE INTEGRITY OF THE GAME, BREAST CANCER. 1202 00:55:32,590 --> 00:55:38,552 THIS IS WHAT WE DO ON SUNDAYS TO FORGET 1203 00:55:38,596 --> 00:55:41,512 HOW MUCH WE HATE OURSELVES. 1204 00:55:46,212 --> 00:55:49,607 AND I DON'T-- 1205 00:55:49,650 --> 00:55:54,873 I HOPE I DIDN'T RUFFLE ANY FEATHERS. 1206 00:55:54,916 --> 00:56:00,444 BUT AS AN OPENLY GAY COMEDIAN, I FEEL A RESPONSIBILITY 1207 00:56:00,487 --> 00:56:04,012 TO TALK ABOUT A LOT OF ISSUES THAT-- 1208 00:56:04,056 --> 00:56:08,016 WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA TEST ME? 1209 00:56:08,060 --> 00:56:09,278 YOU DON'T KNOW IF I'M LYING. 1210 00:56:09,322 --> 00:56:10,758 I CAN BE AS GAY AS I WANT TO BE UP HERE. 1211 00:56:10,802 --> 00:56:12,194 FUCK YOU. 1212 00:56:12,238 --> 00:56:13,892 WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA STRAP ME TO A CHAIR 1213 00:56:13,935 --> 00:56:17,199 AND BLOW LOADS IN MY FACE TO SEE IF I'M FIBBING 1214 00:56:17,243 --> 00:56:19,767 WHEN I SAY I LOVE IT? 1215 00:56:19,811 --> 00:56:21,769 I'M GAY IF IT FUCKING-- 1216 00:56:21,813 --> 00:56:24,772 IF IT NEEDS TO BE, I'M GAY, I'M FUCKING GAY. 1217 00:56:24,816 --> 00:56:26,208 AND YOU SHOULD BE GAY AS-- 1218 00:56:26,252 --> 00:56:28,602 I COME OUT OF THE CLOSET ALL THE TIME. 1219 00:56:28,646 --> 00:56:30,299 IT'S SOMETHING FUN FOR ME. 1220 00:56:30,343 --> 00:56:31,953 DO IT ALL THE TIME. 1221 00:56:31,997 --> 00:56:33,564 I'M NOT SAYING LIE TO YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY 1222 00:56:33,607 --> 00:56:35,479 OR LEAD A FAKE LIFE. 1223 00:56:35,522 --> 00:56:37,655 BUT IF YOU'RE JUST IN SOME BULLSHIT SOCIAL SITUATION 1224 00:56:37,698 --> 00:56:40,919 AROUND PEOPLE YOU DON'T KNOW, IF YOU CAN DROP THE ERRANT, 1225 00:56:40,962 --> 00:56:43,182 "I'M GAY" IN A CONVERSATION, 1226 00:56:43,225 --> 00:56:46,577 NOT REVELATORY, LIKE, "I HAVE TO TELL YOU." 1227 00:56:46,620 --> 00:56:48,492 JUST DROP IT AS AN ASIDE. 1228 00:56:48,535 --> 00:56:50,755 "IS IT JUST YOU AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND FOR BREAKFAST?" 1229 00:56:50,798 --> 00:56:52,191 "OH, THAT'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND. 1230 00:56:52,234 --> 00:56:53,584 "I'M GAY, BUT IT'S JUST TWO OF US. 1231 00:56:53,627 --> 00:56:56,325 IS IT A BUFFET OR CAN I ORDER OFF THE MENU?" 1232 00:56:56,369 --> 00:56:59,241 JUST DROP IN, JUST, IF EVERYONE WAS JUST SOMEONE-- 1233 00:56:59,285 --> 00:57:00,939 OH, I GUESS THEY'RE JUST GAY. 1234 00:57:00,982 --> 00:57:02,462 'CAUSE HERE'S THE THING. 1235 00:57:02,506 --> 00:57:04,812 I LOVE HOMOSEXUALITY. 1236 00:57:04,856 --> 00:57:06,640 I DEFEND IT. 1237 00:57:06,684 --> 00:57:08,642 BUT I HATE FAGGINESS 1238 00:57:08,686 --> 00:57:11,253 BECAUSE IT'S AESTHETICALLY UNPLEASING. 1239 00:57:11,297 --> 00:57:13,430 THE WHOLE "LA LA LA LA LA" SHINY. 1240 00:57:13,473 --> 00:57:15,475 YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT. 1241 00:57:15,519 --> 00:57:16,781 IT'S THE SAME-- 1242 00:57:16,824 --> 00:57:18,957 I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST JEWISH PEOPLE. 1243 00:57:19,000 --> 00:57:20,785 I HATE JEWINESS. 1244 00:57:20,828 --> 00:57:24,658 THE CLAMMY, "NYAH, NYAH, NYAH. I GET ALL...I'M ALLERGIC." 1245 00:57:24,702 --> 00:57:27,879 PERSONALLY, THAT'S UNPLEASING. 1246 00:57:27,922 --> 00:57:30,272 I HATE ANYONE WHO LEADS WITH THEIR SEXUALITY, 1247 00:57:30,316 --> 00:57:31,970 HOMO OR HETERO. 1248 00:57:32,013 --> 00:57:33,624 IF I KNOW YOUR SEXUALITY 1249 00:57:33,667 --> 00:57:35,364 IN THE FIRST 30 SECONDS OF MEETING YOU, 1250 00:57:35,408 --> 00:57:37,236 YOU'RE FUCKING ANNOYING. 1251 00:57:37,279 --> 00:57:39,281 HETEROS ARE THE SAME WAY. 1252 00:57:39,325 --> 00:57:42,241 IF YOU HAVE NAKED LADY MUD FLAPS OR YOU GO, 1253 00:57:42,284 --> 00:57:44,678 "OH, AFTER YOUR SHOW, YOU WANT TO GO TO HOOTERS?" 1254 00:57:44,722 --> 00:57:47,115 OR YOU JUST WATCH THE GAME FOR THE CHEERLEADERS. 1255 00:57:47,159 --> 00:57:49,117 JUST GO INTO A BASEMENT AND JERK OFF, 1256 00:57:49,161 --> 00:57:51,206 YOU FUCKING TEENAGER, 13-YEAR-OLD, 1257 00:57:51,250 --> 00:57:54,122 AND THEN COME BACK WHEN WE CAN HAVE A REGULAR CONVERSATION. 1258 00:57:54,166 --> 00:57:55,689 SO, IT'S NOT-- 1259 00:57:55,733 --> 00:57:57,865 THAT'S WHY I LIKE TO COME OUT OF THE CLOSET 1260 00:57:57,909 --> 00:57:59,911 AS JUST A NORMAL DUDE. 1261 00:57:59,954 --> 00:58:02,435 A GUY ON THE PLANE GOING, "YEAH, I REMEMBER 1262 00:58:02,479 --> 00:58:04,263 "WHEN STEWARDESSES USED TO BE HOT. 1263 00:58:04,306 --> 00:58:05,873 NOW THEY'RE ALL FAT." 1264 00:58:05,917 --> 00:58:08,006 AND YOU GO, "YEAH. I'M RIGHT WITH YOU, BUDDY. 1265 00:58:08,049 --> 00:58:10,312 "I FUCKING--THANK CHRIST I'M QUEER, 1266 00:58:10,356 --> 00:58:12,924 'CAUSE THEY ARE FAT AS SHIT." 1267 00:58:12,967 --> 00:58:16,362 BUT JUST BECAUSE MAYBE SOMEWHERE AROUND YOU, 1268 00:58:16,405 --> 00:58:19,365 WHEN YOU JUST DROP A NORMAL "I'M GAY" IN A CONVERSATION, 1269 00:58:19,408 --> 00:58:23,151 THERE IS AN ADOLESCENT KID WHO'S JUST COMING TO TERMS 1270 00:58:23,195 --> 00:58:26,415 WITH THE FACT THAT HE'S GAY, AND HE'S FUCKING TERRIFIED, 1271 00:58:26,459 --> 00:58:28,026 NOT ONLY OF JUST BEING GAY. 1272 00:58:28,069 --> 00:58:29,854 MAYBE HE THINKS HE HAS TO BE 1273 00:58:29,897 --> 00:58:32,334 "JUMP OUT OF THE CAKE AND RIDE A FUCKING FLOAT, 1274 00:58:32,378 --> 00:58:35,163 ASSLESS CHAPS, ICE CAPADES" GAY. 1275 00:58:35,207 --> 00:58:38,166 AND HE HEARS YOU SAY IT JUST LIKE A NORMAL DUDE, "I'M GAY." 1276 00:58:38,210 --> 00:58:39,559 AND HE GOES, "OH, I CAN DO THAT. 1277 00:58:39,603 --> 00:58:42,562 "I CAN BE JUST REGULAR ANDERSON COOPER, 1278 00:58:42,606 --> 00:58:46,348 TODD GLASS, JOEL OSTEEN FAGGOT." 1279 00:58:46,392 --> 00:58:50,396 AND YOU GIVE THEM COURAGE. 1280 00:58:50,439 --> 00:58:55,444 AND IT'S IN THE SUPREME COURT NOW FOR GAY MARRIAGE. 1281 00:58:55,488 --> 00:58:57,751 AND I HOPE YOU GET IT. 1282 00:58:57,795 --> 00:59:03,931 GET THE RIGHT TO MARRY, AND THEN DON'T. 1283 00:59:03,975 --> 00:59:08,066 IT'S IMPORTANT TO GET THE RIGHT, 1284 00:59:08,109 --> 00:59:09,937 NOT JUST SYMBOLICALLY, 1285 00:59:09,981 --> 00:59:13,288 BUT SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BE MARRIED TO GAME THE SYSTEM. 1286 00:59:13,332 --> 00:59:15,247 YOU NEED THE INSURANCE. YOU NEED THE INHERITANCE. 1287 00:59:15,290 --> 00:59:16,988 YOU NEED TO PULL THE PLUG. 1288 00:59:17,031 --> 00:59:20,861 MAYBE YOU JUST NEED TO GET SOMEONE COOL INTO THE COUNTRY. 1289 00:59:20,905 --> 00:59:22,776 SO YOU NEED IT FOR THAT. 1290 00:59:22,820 --> 00:59:24,561 BUT DON'T IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO. 1291 00:59:24,604 --> 00:59:26,780 IT'S KIND OF LIKE THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT, 1292 00:59:26,824 --> 00:59:29,478 WHERE BLACK PEOPLE HAD TO FIGHT FOR THE RIGHT 1293 00:59:29,522 --> 00:59:31,568 TO EAT AT THE SAME LUNCH COUNTER. 1294 00:59:31,611 --> 00:59:34,875 ONCE YOU WON THAT RIGHT, I HOPE YOU DIDN'T. 1295 00:59:34,919 --> 00:59:37,182 GUY'S A FUCKING RACIST. 1296 00:59:37,225 --> 00:59:39,488 WHY WOULD YOU SUPPORT HIS BUSINESS 1297 00:59:39,532 --> 00:59:41,926 UNLESS YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO FUCK WITH HIM 1298 00:59:41,969 --> 00:59:43,710 AND SHOW UP JUST 'CAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT YOU? 1299 00:59:43,754 --> 00:59:45,320 WHICH I UNDERSTAND, 1300 00:59:45,364 --> 00:59:47,975 AND MAYBE THAT'S WHERE YOU STARTED NOT TIPPING. 1301 00:59:48,019 --> 00:59:51,936 IF SO, EVERY TRADITION HAS TO START SOMEWHERE. 1302 00:59:51,979 --> 00:59:55,374 LET'S JUST HOPE IT WAS FOR A GOOD CAUSE. 1303 00:59:55,417 --> 00:59:56,810 HAVE A GREAT NIGHT, DANTE'S, PORTLAND. 1304 00:59:56,854 --> 00:59:59,160 IT WAS NICE TO BE BACK. 1305 00:59:59,204 --> 01:00:02,381 I'LL SEE YOU SOON. HAVE A GOOD NIGHT. 1306 01:00:08,866 --> 01:00:12,304 - SO DO YOU MIND JUST COMING BACK DOWNSTAIRS? YEAH. 1307 01:00:12,347 --> 01:00:13,697 - I JUST TOLD THEM I WOULD. 1308 01:00:13,740 --> 01:00:14,915 - OH, GREAT. SORRY. 1309 01:00:14,959 --> 01:00:16,874 - OH! OH, WE HAVE ANOTHER CAMERA. 1310 01:00:16,917 --> 01:00:18,919 - NO, THAT'S IT. WE SAID ONE CAMERA. 1311 01:00:18,963 --> 01:00:20,791 - YOU WANT THEM TO COME BACK UP TOO? 1312 01:00:20,834 --> 01:00:21,792 - DO YOU WANT THEM TO FOLLOW YOU? 1313 01:00:21,835 --> 01:00:23,489 - WHAT? - DO YOU WANT... 1314 01:00:23,532 --> 01:00:24,838 - YOU JUST ASKED ME TO COME BACK DOWN THE STAIRS. 1315 01:00:24,882 --> 01:00:26,492 - YEAH, DO YOU WANT THEM TO FOLLOW YOU 1316 01:00:26,535 --> 01:00:28,146 OR DO YOU WANT TO JUST... THEY'LL JUST CATCH YOU. 1317 01:00:28,189 --> 01:00:29,147 - NO, NO. THAT'S FINE. I WAS JUST CONFUSED. 1318 01:00:29,190 --> 01:00:31,105 - YEAH. 1319 01:00:33,194 --> 01:00:38,852 - TAKE TWO, I'M COMING DOWN THE STAIRS. 1320 01:00:38,896 --> 01:00:40,680 ALL RIGHT. 1321 01:00:40,724 --> 01:00:44,989 HI. THAT WAS A SHOW BROUGHT TO YOU BY ME.